Today, I learned that chivalry truly is dead when a seemingly fit man pushed me into a door to get a seat on the train before me. My leg is in a cast. FML
Today, as I was filling out divorce paperwork, I realized that my son has had the same girlfriend through both of my marriages. He's 17. FML
Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML
Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML
Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML
Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a description of my girlfriend, only for her to interrupt, saying that she meant a therapist, and the fact that I'd just made up a relationship was further proof that I needed one. I really do have a girlfriend. FML
Today, both of the roads leading to my small town were washed out by rising flood waters. I now live on an island in the middle of Wyoming. FML
Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops because the juice was too acidic for him. He sat in a corner and waited for two hours for them to arrive. Obviously, they didn't turn up. So he yelled at me and left. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I was driving her to a surprise party where I was going to propose. FML
Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML
Today, I got my beautiful daughter ready to be a flower girl for the first time. A flower girl in the wedding of her father, my ex-husband, and the woman he cheated on me with. FML
Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML
Today, my dad yelled at me for being irresponsible while he watched me fold his laundry. FML
Today, my clingy girlfriend refused to leave me alone long enough for me to read an article about dealing with clingy girlfriends. FML
Today, I was babysitting my 4-month-old niece at the park, when a woman came up to me and said, "Don't worry, dear. You'll get your figure back soon." FML
Today, my mom stopped playing badminton with me because she claimed I was too aggressive. Apparently winning, playing by the rules, and smashing is considered aggressive. FML
Today, my mom brought her sleazy boyfriend home. He took one look at me, swatted my ass, and said, "It runs in the family." My mom just laughed and winked at me, and mouthed, "He's a keeper!" FML
Today, my little brother was feeling like the god damned bratty douchebag he is and hurled a basketball at me. It missed, hit the wall, and rebounded straight into his face. He burst into tears, and I'm now grounded because my parents believed him when he said I threw it at him. FML
Today, I graduated from Basic Training. I was really looking forward to seeing my family after being away for almost three months. They decided not to come to graduation because they didn't want to spend the money to travel here. They live 30 minutes away. FML
Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML
Today, my friend asked me how I did on my test. I got an 85%. She asked me what my secret was, and I said, "I'm just smart." She replied, "No you're not. How did you pull it off?" FML
Today, I found out everybody at work thinks I'm a lesbian because they thought my boyfriend was a girl. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend is an active member of the suicide forum. He told me I should make an account too. FML
Today, my dad finally told me why he never paid child support to my mom when he was supposed to for the last ten years. His reason? Because I'm a girl and I wasn't that important. FML
Today, I came home from a four-day trip. Apparently, my cat thought I was gone for good and is now very unhappy that I'm home. I know this because she's been positioning herself between me and my husband all night, and hisses every time I try to touch him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, my boyfriend elbowed me in the eye while we were sleeping. His excuse: "You shouldn't have stayed over." FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to stay just friends. Not only did I get denied, apparently we're also "just friends." FML
Today, my dad asked me for a word that rhymed with vagina. He was filling out an anniversary card for my mom. FML
Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML
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