RudderV

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

Today, a customer threatened to come back later and shoot the whole place up. Why? I didn't give him a discount on his beer. My boss's reaction when I called the police: "Why didn't you give him the discount?!" Last week he bitched me out for letting a girl off for being a few cents short on hers. FML

Today, I had to listen to fellow classmates whine about selling one of their many houses, while I can barely afford to pay for a $100 textbook. FML

Today, I discovered my mom has been using my credit card to buy everyone's Christmas presents. FML

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

She goes to another school

Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML

Sax appeal

Today, my brother got a new saxophone. He thought a good way to break it in was to play it in my ear. Loudly. While I was sleeping. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "we don't communicate enough". She got her friend to tell me this for her. FML

Today, I found out about my co-workers' new game. Whoever talks to me first loses. FML

Welcome back!

Today, I realized my family is more excited to see my girlfriend than they are to see me. FML

Coming or going

Today, I got a call about a job interview, saying I was hired. I was ecstatic, until they called me back and said they'd called the wrong applicant. They called again later, saying there'd been a mistake and I really was hired. When I went in to confirm it, they said they'd never heard of me. FML

Today, I bought a large ice cream cake. No, there's no occasion, but I did ask the cashier to write "Happy Birthday" on it, just so she wouldn't know I was going to eat it all myself. FML

Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML

Today, my mother yelled at me for not doing all of my homework. She got so mad, she tore up a drawing I'd spent over a week working on. That was my art homework. FML

Today, I found out I'm allergic to our new cat. My mom said she'd rather get rid of me than the cat. FML

A news day

Today, I'm moving out of the house. My little sister can't wait and I've never seen my dad so happy. FML

Today, my daughter's teacher called me, very concerned, because my child told the whole class she's not a virgin anymore. The word is "vegan", Honey. FML

Today, I received a package in the mail. It was a workout and weight-loss plan that I ordered last week. I finished an entire pizza and pint of ice-cream as I read the guidelines. FML

WTC WTF?

Today, someone in my class referred to the September 11th attacks as "Nine-Elevs". FML

Today, I had to take my husband's laptop to University for an in-class exam. I opened the screen, and loud porn started to auto-play. The silence in the class was deafening as I tried to make it stop. FML

Today, my car was stolen from my driveway. I reported it to the police, the insurance company, and my neighbors, and begged for help via social media. As I walked to catch a bus, I saw my car parked outside my school. I forgot I left it there last night. FML

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend. We were getting into the mood so I tried to eat the popcorn kind of sexually, causing me to choke on the popcorn and throw up. FML

Today, I had an important oral report to deliver with a partner. Not only did he come in late and high, he pronounced Virginia as "Vagina" the whole way through. FML

Today, I got high for the first time. Apparently I called my vet and told him my goldfish was barking. I found out when he called me back later to make sure we were both okay. FML

Friends?

Today, my friends came over to my house to eat my food and make fun of me as they played on my Xbox. FML

Today, my 4 year old son groped my breasts and said, "This is what daddy told me to do." FML

Today, I'm so broke that I had to call in sick to work because I couldn't afford to pay my bus fare. FML

Today, I went with a couple of my friends to see a friend who's fallen very ill. Her dad walked in with a gun and demanded to know which of us had gotten his daughter pregnant. By the time I realized it was a joke, I'd already pissed myself. FML

Today, my dad found out I recently tried weed. He called me a useless waste of air and grounded me for the rest of the year. Then he went outside and smoked his third cigarette of the morning. FML