RudderV

Today, I asked my son to go to the grocery store across the street and pick up some lettuce. He sighed and said, "Why don't you just order it on Amazon?" FML

Today, I had just sat down in the lobby of my doctor's office when my phone alerted me that I had a friend request. I checked; it was from some girl from high school. I muttered to myself, "I don't want to be your friend." I then heard a gasp. She was sitting across from me. FML

Today, I took my girlfriend out for lunch, and I asked her if I could have a bite of her meal. She took it to mean I was calling her fat, and stormed out. FML

Today, I finally worked up the guts to add the guy I like on Facebook. To make it less obvious, I added 15 other people as well. Everyone added me back, except him. FML

Oversharing

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I cheekily told him about something I'd read that's supposed to feel really good during sex. I then heard his sister sarcastically say, "Yeah, that does feel pretty good". Apparently he'd had me on speaker the whole time. FML

Kinda weird

Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML

Nervous

Today, I was driving my grandpa to the store because his car is in the shop. I was well within the speed limit, but he kept yelling at me for "speeding", then accused me of trying to give him a heart attack, and eventually pulled the e-brake, getting us rear-ended. He refuses to apologise. FML

Today, my mom spent over $200 getting me tested for every drug in the book. All because I admitted to smoking a single cigarette two years ago. FML

What is wrong with you?

Today, I had to take my daughter home from school because she had been caught flashing the boys during class. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't an appropriate way to act or behave but she interrupted me, "Mom, you don't even understand." You're right. I don't. FML

Today, my daughter admitted why her grades, which are usually straight A's, have been slipping the past few weeks. Turns out she has been deliberately failing tests to avoid becoming valedictorian, so she won't have to deliver a speech at graduation. FML

Today, five minutes before closing, a woman came in to buy over $300 worth of clothing from the sales rack. My manager and I had to ring it all up, de-sensor it, fold it, bag it, etc. After it was all rung up, her credit card was declined. FML

Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML

Tailgate party

Today, while driving home, some idiot kept tailgating me, so I slowed down, hoping he'd overtake me. He didn't, so I pulled to the side of the road. He did the same, in front of me. He kept toying with me until I crashed into another car trying to speed away from him. FML

Today, some girl's mom gave me a load of abuse for endangering her daughter's health. How? By deleting my Facebook account, which caused her to have a serious panic attack. Apparently she thought we were best friends, and that I was ditching her. I'm confused too. FML

Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML

Today, I was at a nightclub when some dick squeezed the ass of the girl beside me. She whirled around and started yelling and slapping me across the face. I was dragged out by the bouncers, to cheers from the people around us. FML

Nice try

Today, I snuck out of the house to go to a party. When I got back later, I tried climbing back up the rope-ladder I'd set up earlier, leading back through my bedroom window. I was halfway up when it broke free. I sprained both my ankles and had to shamefully ring the doorbell to get back in. FML

Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML

Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML

Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML

Today, I deliberately didn't tell my therapist half of what I was going through because I didn't want to depress her. FML

Today, I took my driving test. It was all going well until out of habit from driving with my boyfriend, I reached over and held my instructor's hand. FML

Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML

Today, I got written up for asking my coworker a question that I should have asked my boss to ask my coworker. Yay bureaucracy. FML

Blaze it 420

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my tits. He ignored it and instead sent a picture of his dog "looking blazed". FML

Today, I was finally given a parking spot at work. It turns out to be between an expensive sports car that never parks straight and a giant truck too big for its space. FML

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

Today, my dog found out how to turn my Xbox off. So whenever he wants attention, guess what he does. FML

Committed

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

Swindled

Today, I called my auto insurance company to try to get some discounts and lower my rate. I ended up adding $30 to my monthly payment. FML