Chloë Kamali

Small world

Today, I discovered that the "hot, slutty, woman" my roommate has been dating is my mom. FML

Today, I fistbumped a cashier as they tried to hand me my change. FML

Today, I decided to work on my social anxiety by ordering some food. I waited in line, practicing my order in my head all the way. When I got to the front, I said my order with no mistakes. The cashier just stared blankly at me until I mumbled, "Never mind..." and left. FML

Today, the police finally recovered my stolen car. All it took was a shootout and two people dying. FML

Today, I set my phone down at work in the back while I helped a customer. When I came back it was gone. It took me twenty minutes to find, duct taped to the ceiling. FML

Cheeky

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother asks, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" My mom replied, "I'm a headmaster." My dad then goes, "Oh yeah, she is." FML

Today, after years busting my hump for my father's business with the understanding of one day taking it over, he informed me that my nephew, who has never shown any interest in the company, is being brought in to take it over. FML

Today, I lost an art contest to some talentless arsepipe whose piece was literally just a broken heart crudely drawn in her own blood. FML

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend. He said yes, but is now sulking because I took away his "manhood". Jeez, sorry I didn't want to wait another 7 years for you to finally do it. FML

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

Today, I asked my little cousin if he had a girlfriend if he had a girlfriend. “Yes,“ he said. “Two, but I’m going to keep the one with the biggest boobs.“ He’s 7. FML

Today, I told the cute girl in my office that she looked like she listened to country music, as an icebreaker. She blankly stared at me for what felt like forever, and responded with, "That's the worst thing you could say to a person," and walked away. She hasn't talked to me since. FML

Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

Today, I went into labor. I called my mother to ask her to drive me to the hospital. She wanted me to wait for her to take a nap first. FML

Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML

Today, my mom figured that the best time to announce that I'm adopted was during her speech at my wedding. FML

Today, my friend and I were brushing our teeth, standing side by side. We both have a sympathy gag reflex. He brushed his tongue and gagged, which caused me to gag. So we had a never ending gag-fest until we both began throwing up and couldn't stop until one of us could manage to hold it in. FML

Today, I had dinner with my boyfriend's family. His 3-year-old nephew came running for a hug. At the last second, he darted past my arms and bit me on the ass. FML

Today, I received some new snow boots I had ordered online. When I opened the package there was only one boot in the box. FML

Lock your doors

Today, after a long day at work, I fell asleep in my living room. When I woke up, I saw a man leaving my bedroom wearing my pajamas, and I started screaming as he casually left. The cops came and apparently he's mentally ill. He truly believed it was his house. FML

Today, I bought a rather unique shirt for my boyfriend, planning to give it to him for Christmas. He showed up wearing the same shirt. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

Today, it's Christmas Eve. I was the happiest ever realizing that all the bills are paid, all the presents are bought, all the food is ready, and I still have some money left. This my biggest accomplishment so far as a young adult. Until I realized I don't have a tree. Adulting is hard. FML

The war on Christmas

Today, I was working the drive-thru. Everything was going fine until I handed a customer her order and said, "Happy Holidays". Before she drove off, she yelled, "it's Merry Christmas, bitch" and threw her coffee at the window. I'm Jewish and was trying to be polite. FML

Today, I woke from last night after meeting the most amazing man, and after giving him a good morning kiss, roll out of bed to use his bathroom. After using his toothbrush, I go to replace it in his holder only to find not one, but several prescriptions for herpes in his unzipped toiletry bag. FML

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

Perfect?

Today, I was discussing sex with my guy friends in their dorm when I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and crawled into his bed. He replied, "Nothing. You're one of the guys now." They all agreed. FML

Call the cops

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML