Monsieur Pittsburgh, US 31 ans Célibataire
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. After removing my underwear, he started singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle..." FML
Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML
Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML
Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML
Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML
Today, I was doing my grocery shopping, absent-mindedly wondering if my new diet was working. I got my answer when my panties fell down around my ankles. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML
Today, my boyfriend pulled on my pubes and made 'engine starting' noises. This was his attempt at foreplay. FML
Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML
Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML
Today, while driving, a minivan cut me off. Pissed, I started honking and cursing. I then went ballistic when the driver waved out the window, smiling. It wasn't until I was at a stoplight that I noticed their "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. FML
Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML
Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML
Today, I was helping clean my grandpa's garage when I found some of his old election posters from the '50s. They included slogans such as, "Dick: you know it feels right" and "Want growth? Choose Dick." I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or impressed. FML
Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML
Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML
Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML
Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML
Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML
Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML
Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified, me or him. FML
Today, I found out that I'm allergic to bacon. FML
Today, I went to my girlfriend's house and caught her digging for gold. She wasn't picking her nose - she was literally trying to dig for gold in her backyard. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML
Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML
Today, the bar owner I work for told us to pay better attention to our drunk patrons, and to start cutting them off. A fellow barmaid asked how are we supposed to tell when it's time. He pointed at me and said, "When they start hitting on her, they're too drunk to drive." FML
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