Monsieur
Today, it's my mom's birthday. Got the perfect gift, the perfect card and of course the perfect cake. Well, it was the perfect cake until my dog's ass crushed it. FML
Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML
Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML
Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML
Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML
Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML
Today, I recently burned both my hands at work so I had to ask my husband for help changing my tampon, but he refused saying it would make him feel sick. This from the man who routinely sticks his tongue in my asshole when we have sex. FML
Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML
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