Charles Gray-Gregoire

Today, I stepped outside my house for the first time in a year, trying to socialize again. I broke my leg. FML

Today, I found out just how close my boyfriend has been getting to our new neighbour's teenage son. I came home from work to find them on my bed and my "straight" boyfriend head down ass up. FML

Overkill or fair?

Today, I thought my boyfriend was kidding when he said he'd dump me if I actually ate pineapple on pizza. I ordered it. I ate it. I'm now single. FML

Today, after reflecting over my sex life, I realised at 28 I've been sexually active for 12 years. Despite trying everything with my 4 partners over the years, masturbation, and going to a gynaecologist, I've still never had an orgasm. FML

Today, after being kicked out of my racist family, my boyfriend and I moved across the country to rent an apartment with my sister. My mother hates us so much she offered to buy my sister a new car to not take us in. FML

Today, my future mother-in-law sent a nasty email to my mother, an angry phone call to my fiancé, and threatened to boycott his graduation and the wedding. Why? I didn't respond immediately to her emails about card boxes for the wedding. Card boxes. FML

Empathy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply, "#rekt", then, "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML

Today, I went out for the afternoon leaving my younger brother at home. He's never had a girlfriend, which I always put down to him being shy and a little overweight. Well, I came home early to walk in on him taking it up the arse from his uni buddy. Off the charts awkward. FML

Hobgoblin? Anustart?

Today, I kissed my girlfriend goodbye at the train station when a familiar woman's voice screamed, "You unfaithful piece of shit!" My sister had just wanted to troll me, which ended with my girlfriend slapping me twice, kicking my balls, and calling me some absurd names. FML

Today, I had sex with a guy I'd had a crush on for a long time. When I asked if he was having trouble putting it in, he answered that he was fully in. FML

Today, I went on a date. We met in the parking lot of a restaurant. As I approached his car he took one look at me, said "Nope", and drove off. FML

Today, my seasonal allergies started. Most annoying thing by far this allergy season? I only get the urge to sneeze when I have food in my mouth. FML

Today, I rested my face against my boyfriend's shoulder while we watched a movie. I didn’t realize he had put Icy Hot on the same shoulder right before I sat down. I cried in pain. He cried with laughter. FML

Is this the worst Netflix and chill ever?

Today, a guy I'd been seeing briefly came over for cocktails and a movie. The night ended with him vomiting in my bathroom and on my couch, using my toothbrush, then proceeding to tell me how big his ex-boyfriend's dick was. FML

Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend of four years is legally married to a man in prison. He gets out next week. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had a threesome. He suggested we have another guy. It ended up devolving into a twosome, and I wasn't part of it. FML

Uh... Okay?

Today, I was going out with my boyfriend after recently coming out. On my way out the door, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Suck that dick like a champ tonight, son." FML

Good one, thanks

Today, I left work to find a note on my windshield that read, "I think you're cute," with a phone number written down as well. I got super excited and immediately dialed. The phone was answered by a woman laughing hysterically. It was my Mom. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to fart in our bathtub to see if it would echo. It wasn’t a fart. FML

Today, I was laying naked, face down across our bed when I asked my husband to crack my back. He quickly replied with, "Holy! I never realized that your ass hairs were so long before." FML

Catchphrase hell

Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it was. He just paused, turned to look me in the eye, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML

Today, I read my 10-year-old sister's diary. That's how I found out about her disturbingly detailed plan to murder me, make it look like suicide, date my boyfriend after helping him get over my death, then marry him. FML

Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month. I went to my bedroom and found a nice gift bag on my dresser. Thinking it was a Valentine's gift, I opened it. My dog's ashes were in a tin inside. This is how I found out my dog died since I was away. FML

Today, my virgin guy friend told me he wanted me to be his first. I'm a guy. FML

Today, a co-worker passed me a note with information about one of our cute, new co-workers I was interested in. Her report? Simple: "Lesbian. Try again. They're EVERYWHERE!" FML

Hott

Today, I had my first steamy wet dream. It involved the Power Rangers. FML

Mood ruiner

Today, while my husband and I were having sex, we were trying this strawberry flavored lube which had a very strong candy smell. My husband starts laughing mid-performance, looks me in the eye, and exclaims "F*CK THE RAINBOW, TASTE THE RAINBOW!" FML

Today, I walked into my dorm to find the guy I have feelings for sleeping with my roommate. I signed a lease with them for next year and can't back out now. FML