Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number, I wanted to mess with my girlfriend a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML
Today, I found out that if you don't clean the inside of your sonicare toothbrush, it can grow masses of fungus. I've been brushing my teeth with a vibrating mushroom for the past 5 months. FML
Today, my landlord came over while I wasn't home. My friend and her pets were thrown out by her husband. I'm the only person she knows in this state and she begged me to stay. I reluctantly told her fine; just don't answer the door. She did, with the animals, and told him she was living here. FML
Today, I finished installing a brand new engine in my old car. It cost just over $6000. Later, I was waiting at a red light and an uninsured drunk driver smashed into it head on. It's completely totaled. I got to drive it 5 miles. The car is worth $1000, even with a new engine. FML
Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML
Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML
Today, my 25 year-old brother ran into my room very excited at 8 am. "Wake up! We got a new puppy!" he told me. I was so excited, I jumped out of my warm bed. When I asked him if he was serious, he said, "No, but we have to go to church, so get dressed." FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share a toothbrush with her. FML
Today, some girl from Colorado called me. She knew my name. My Facebook. I had no idea how she got my number. She then asked me out. I say, "Sure…" sarcastically. She then called my girlfriend, who also lives in Colorado. Our relationship is now over. FML
Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML
Today, trying to take initiative, I wore nothing but an apron and led my husband to the kitchen by his knob to have some fun. I tripped on the floor and used his knob to keep balance. FML
Today, I was eating pizza with my boyfriend and my friends. I was laughing and talking and went for another piece when my boyfriend grabbed my wrist and said that I had had enough. My friends all backed him up. FML
Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML
Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I told him, he impatiently said, "Is it over yet?" FML
Today, I told my girlfriend of 2 years that I was sexually abused as a kid. She was only the third person I've told. She reacted by breaking up with me because I "might do something" to her kids. FML
Today, it was really hot in my house so I pulled my shorts down so I was just in my boxers. My family and I were watching TV and I got a spontaneous erection. When I discreetly tried to pull my shorts back up, my penis flipped out of my boxers. FML
Today, I awkwardly had to comfort my 32 year old friend when he broke down crying in the middle of a crowded McDonald's. Apparently they no longer serve barbecue bacon cheeseburgers. FML
Today, I received two cards in the mail for my late husband for his birthday. He has been dead for four years now, and the cards were from our two children, who live several states away. This is the fourth time it's happened, and neither of them answer my calls. Ever. FML
Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML
Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. FML
Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging her, she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me via text message. The sad thing is that I left my fiancée of 5 years to be with a girl I worked with at Walmart. My ex-fiancée is now a doctor. I still work at Walmart. FML
Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML
Today, I had to repeat my order in Starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest. FML
Today, in the middle of the night, my fiancé started yelling gibberish in his sleep. When I tried to wake him, he punched me square in the face. FML
Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML
Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML
Today, I picked up on a telemarketer and started speaking in Portuguese. It turns out that this particular telemarketer spoke it as well. Every time I hung up, he called back. Telemarketers get really excited when they find out someone else speaks their language. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
