pennyprostitute

Today, one of my oldest friends blocked me for refusing to drive her to and from a wedding that was over 30 miles away. The wedding was mine. FML

Today, at the doctor's, I dropped my pants and the attractive nurse assured me it was the biggest one she had ever seen. Unfortunately, she wasn't referring to my penis, she was, in fact referring to the huge haemorrhoid hanging out of my asshole. FML

Today, I decided to act on my therapist's advice and ask my crush out. She turned me down because I'm apparently too much of a downer. The reason I have a therapist is because I'm depressed. FML

Weirdo

Today, I went to the bathroom in a mall. As I was in the stall, a woman tried to open it. I yelled out that's it was occupied but she kept shaking it to open it. It came up to the point where she had to crawl under the door to see that I was there. FML

Today, I found out that ever since I went from working full-time to part-time, my boss frequently blames me for different things behind my back. Currently, she's telling people I clogged the toilet and lost her keys - on what was actually my day off. FML

Today, I opened up my laptop to replace a faulty chip inside, which took me half an hour. When I closed it all up again, I saw the replacement part in its packaging on my desk. FML

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

Follow my lead

Today, we ran out of disposable gloves at work. After saying how grossed out I was about having to touch raw chicken with my bare hands, my female boss goes, "Just imagine you're touching yourself. That's what I do." Even more grossed out now. FML

Today, I put in my two-week notice. My boss responded by saying, "Okie dokie" and hanging up. Guess they were glad to be rid of me. FML

Today, I was once again called a "selfish bitch" because I don't want kids, even though I can't provide for them mentally, emotionally, physically or financially. FML

Today I got sunburned on my cheeks. This wouldn't be too bad if they were the ones on my face. FML

Today, at the age of 27, I learnt that your tonsils aren't the dangly bit at the back of your throat. I work in healthcare. FML

Been there, done that

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend for another girl. This other girl helped me break up with her so we could date. After it was all done, she promptly rejected me and in front of everyone, saying how much of a douche I was for leaving my girlfriend for another girl. FML

Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I said no, she started crying so much that her mom came out 5 minutes later and demanded that I give her daughter the dog. FML

STOP!

Today, I heard someone try to get into my back garden. I ran to the front door, opened it, and shouted at whoever it was. I then saw a police officer appear, following the person who'd jumped my fence. I then realised I wasn't wearing any trousers. I'd shouted at the police half naked. FML

Fashion police

Today, I was in a clothing store with my girlfriend. I saw the ugliest hat ever on a hat shelf, tried it on and said to my girlfriend, "Look at this ugly hat, it's absolutely horrible. It's even dirty." An old woman stood next to me said, "Well no wonder it's ugly, it's mine." FML

Today, I told the cute girl in my office that she looked like she listened to country music, as an icebreaker. She blankly stared at me for what felt like forever, and responded with, "That's the worst thing you could say to a person," and walked away. She hasn't talked to me since. FML

Random access memory

Today, it's my 7-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I was excited so I asked him what day it was and he said, "Wednesday?" FML

Today, my divorced parents have started sending each other photos of both of my bedrooms, to, “compare the shambles and see who wins.“ FML

Today, my best friend told me she's been in love with me for over 4 years. I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in a month and she's supposed to be my bridesmaid. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe our friendship right now. FML

Experiment!

Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML

Cheat mode

Today, I found out that my brother buys audiobooks only to play them on "mute" so that he can tell everyone that he read them later and flaunt the proof. The rest of my family think he is a genius for reading War and Peace in two days and won't listen to me. FML

What a dump

Today, I'm stuck in a ramshackle house that my aunt bought and moved everyone out to. Only one bathroom works, and she won't let us flush it because the house keeps flooding. Four people are stuck here with just one toilet filled with poop and urine, while she's been staying at a friend's house. FML

Today, while trying to go to sleep, I could hear snoring from my boyfriend's side of the bed. I'm not sure who was louder, him or the dog. FML

Today, I sent my daughter to her dad's house for the week. She decided to pack my remotes and most of my clothes and shoes, in an effort to make me come get her as soon as I noticed. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My children decided to make me "breakfast in bed", only to end up setting the kitchen on fire. FML

Just in case

Today, my 16-year-old daughter handed me the picture she wants TV reports to use if ever she happens to get kidnapped. FML

Lookalike

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because I look like his favorite Hentai character. FML

Good boy

Today, my friends renamed my dog, “Dog Vader.“ Yes, my dog has asthma. FML

Today, for the third day in a row, I have been volunteered to kill and dispose of the bugs entering my apartment. I live with two "manly" men who can't use a flyswatter. FML