BBJenkins15

Today, I had to sell over $400 worth of china at a flea market. I barely got paid enough to refill my gas tank. FML

Today, I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates from an "Anonymous Admirer". She immediately dumped me, saying she couldn't be with someone who "isn't even as romantic as a stranger". Yep, I think I just got dumped for myself. FML

Today, I finally started exercising. I'm a rather obese person and I'm super pumped up to finally get off my lazy butt and lose some weight. Locking myself in my room, I first started with a very simple exercise: jumping jacks. I farted each time I jumped. I jumped 10 times. FML

Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML

OK Boomer

Today, my mother-in-lawyer threatened to sue me unless I took my professional wedding photographs off Facebook, as she didn't like that they made her look fat. She is over 300 pounds. FML

Today, the doctor told my husband that he is infertile due to slow sperm. As if this is not upsetting enough, my husband blames it on me. According to him, his sperm doesn't get 'aroused' because I'm not sexy enough. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were discussing sports injuries, and I mentioned that I pulled a muscle in my crotch last year. He snorted and called me a clueless idiot because according to him, "girls don't have crotches". He's a med student. I sense malpractice lawsuits in our future. FML

Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll "never find" for the Halloween chocolate is, when I preheated the oven to make cookies. FML

Messy

Today, I was taking a shower with my boyfriend. While we were washing our hair, he got soap in his eyes and mouth. I was facing him, and since his eyes were closed he didn't realize how close I was. When he spat the soap out, it went straight into my eyes. Neither of us could see. FML

Today, my boyfriend saw a YouTube video of a guy throwing boiling water into the cold air, with the water immediately turning to ice and vapor. He copied it, but only succeeded in dousing himself with boiling water, then making me drive his idiot self to the hospital. FML

Today, someone thought it would be funny to steal the precious stuffed bear I've had since childhood and leave a ransom note in its place. FML

Today, my evening was shot to hell when I found my pregnant wife on the floor, sobbing because we'd run out of cheese sticks. FML

Today, my mother decided to tell me about how my twin brother almost killed me in the womb when his cord wrapped around my neck. When she left the room, he said, "You won't be so lucky next time." FML

Sensitive

Today, I took my 12 year-old to the orthodontist. While I was talking to the dentist about what was needing to be done, my daughter listened. With a straight face, the dentist joked, "Yeah, we're going to need to rip off her entire jaw." My daughter won't leave her room anymore. FML

Today, I broke up with my psycho girlfriend of one month. She actually expected me to let her keep the vintage car that I've been rebuilding for the past two years, and when I refused, she threatened to burn my garage down with us still in it. FML

Today, I was using my phone while in a crowded waiting room, and I accidentally tapped on a YouTube video with the volume still at maximum. The first words everyone heard? "Fuck her right in the pussy!" FML

Today, I left the house I'm staying at, not knowing that thunderstorms were forecast. I came back from work to find dog shit splattered all over the kitchen. Apparently the dogs I'm watching don't like thunder. FML

Sorry!

Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

Today, I lost my laptop, but I have my old childhood computer to use. It's password-protected, and the hint to the password is "meaner than Hera." I haven't been into Greek mythology since I was a kid, and if anything, this computer has just shown me how dumb I've gotten over the years. FML

High on life

Today, I had to pick my brother up from work because he broke down crying. I arrived to find that apparently, you can get so stoned that serving a pregnant woman at a fast food joint moves you to tears over the miracle of life. FML

Today, I found out my wife confided in a coworker that she wants to sleep with him, because our marriage is loveless and sexless. News to me. FML

Today, I saw a real, erect penis for the first time. My brother's, while he was jerking off. He doesn't know I saw, because he was holding a pair of panties over his face with his other hand. I'm trying like hell to act like I'm not mentally scarred. FML

Today, I was on hold with a company for so long that I was able to shower, clean my house, and was using the hold music to put my son to sleep. FML

Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

Duty

Today, I passed out. I fell to the hardwood floor, cut my chin, and bit through my lip. Fortunately, my brother was there to help stop the bleeding and get me some water. All I had to do was wait until he finished his game of Call of Duty. FML

Today, my dad remarried, but he didn't want me to come. I'm told he didn't want me to ruin his pictures or make his guests feel uncomfortable, all because I had my leg amputated in April. FML

Today, I found out my grandma sleeps in the nude. I witnessed her running naked from her bedroom to the bathroom, because she "didn't have enough time" to put on her robe. I need to get my own place. FML

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

Today, my dad called to wish me a happy birthday. I said thank you but informed him that my birthday is tomorrow. He told me that I was wrong and screamed at me for 20 minutes. When I still wouldn't agree with him, he hung up and turned my phone service off. FML