BBJenkins15

Today, I asked my shut in of a daughter why she was sniffing black pepper. She said she was practicing to make her sneezes sound like coughs, thereby decreasing the likelihood of someone talking to her. FML

Dingus

Today, after my second date with an otherwise charming guy, he called me a whore for turning him down for sex. Yeah, I'm trying to work out the logic of that too. FML

Fashionable

Today, my dad's order of hair clippers arrived. I've been putting off getting a haircut for a while now, and he offered to give me one for free. Long story short, he managed to ruin the hair clippers, and I now look like a diseased palm tree. FML

Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML

Today, I got confused and said grace before brushing my teeth. FML

Today, while singing Happy Birthday to my husband, I desperately needed to fart. I couldn't leave the room, so I let it out real slow. There were over 20 of us there, yet somehow my mother-in-law knew it was me. She went over to the window and opened it wide, all while glaring at me. FML

Today, I tried taking a shortcut through a nature trail, hoping to save myself some time getting back to my car. I ended up getting lost for nearly 3 hours and getting to work nearly 2 hours late. FML

Today, I got detention from my teacher for not handing an assignment in. It would be understandable if I hadn't handed it in a week before it was due. She won't listen to reason. FML

Today, I was taking a long, relaxing, hot bath with my girlfriend after a long day. She had fallen asleep in my arms and everything was perfect - until I noticed the water around us had started turning yellow as she pissed herself in her sleep. FML

Today, I noticed I spend so much time with my cats that I tend to hiss at things that scare me or that I don't like. I'm turning into a cat. FML

Today, I had to stand up on a train for my 4-hour journey. Why? Two pregnant women flew into unbridled rage with me over sitting in the priority seating, saying I was selfish. I'm recovering from spinal surgery. FML

Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML

Today, I made some brownies to take over to my dad's place for his party. He started yelling at me when I told him I'd added a special ingredient for taste, demanding to know what I had slipped them. Cinnamon. It was cinnamon. FML

It wasn't a prank, I swear

Today, I asked my friend to come sit next to me in class. I pulled out the chair next to me. Coincidentally, she started to sit at that same moment. Now both she and my teacher are convinced I did it on purpose, and they want to have a talk with my parents. FML

Oh shit…

Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his parents' house when things started getting hot. Out of respect, we stopped and just cuddled, making us able to hear his parents banging. FML

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

Today, I walked in on my sister shoving her vibrating phone into her privates. Can't erase that image. FML

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

Today, after hearing the results of my spinal tap, following several scans, my doctor said discovering that I have Multiple Sclerosis was a "happy accident". FML

Today, I opened a window that had been shut for a couple of months. As soon as I did, dozens of tiny baby spiders blew in with the breeze, and dispersed in my kitchen. FML

Crossed wires

Today, I got into a minor argument with my fiancé. Deciding it wasn't worth fighting over, I shrugged and said, "Really, what are we even doing this for?" To which he replied, "Honestly, I don't know. I haven't loved you in years… Oh, you meant about the fight." And just like that, I'm now single. FML

Today, I went to my cousin's house. I left my bag on the couch as my aunt instructed, only for my cousin to take it and throw it into the swimming pool. My laptop, textbooks and notes were soaked. My exam is in a week, and my aunt won't punish her perfect little angel. FML

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

Today, I walked from my friend's wedding to my divorce. FML

Today, according to daycare, my son is behind in his potty training curriculum because we are not "celebrating his natural bodily functions" enough. He turned 2 a week ago, and he peed on our bed last night because we're trying to meet this demand. FML

Gross

Today, I had to try to convince my roommate that, yes, you do need to use dish soap when you hand wash dishes because of bacteria in old food. She still won't believe me, insisting that, "There's no such thing as bacteria in food." FML

Today, at work, I had a crease in my pants. Everyone thought I had a boner. Later in the day, when I actually had one, no one could tell. FML

Today, I was called a ruthless bitch for not waking up early to search for my car keys, so my boyfriend could go get his pipe and get high before work. FML

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I cried my eyes out for hours over the guy who dumped me 9 years ago. FML