Nomoresteve

Today, my older brother burst into my bedroom at 4 am to show me photos of sushi. FML

Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

Boo!

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

Forgetting something?

Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML

High times

Today, I went on a date to the zoo. I soon found out that my date had eaten several hash brownies before entering. FML

Today, I broke my wrist when I got into a disagreement with a horse. FML

Today, I was going through airport security. Trying to get things over and done with quickly, I dropped my pants without a second thought. Turns out they just wanted me to remove my shoes and belt. FML

Today, I went to the DMV to get my license. I almost ran over my evaluator as he was walking to get in the car. FML

Communication breakdown

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

Y'all need him!

Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML

Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to this conclusion after I finished screaming abuse at the microwave for beeping before I could hit the off switch. FML

Today, I had to pick my grandma up because she was drunk, at church, at 9am. FML

Today, I got pulled over. When the cop asked where I was coming from, reflexively I said, "Your mom's house." FML

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML

Today, I went out on a first date. He insisted we go to McDonald's and split a Happy Meal because he "didn't want to waste any money on a first date." FML

Today, I choked on a gummy bear and ended up in the emergency room. The first thing the doctor said to me was, "Well, that must have been 'beary' uncomfortable." The entire room burst into laughter. FML

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss claimed it was because I smelled like alcohol, never mind the fact that my job was brewmaster at a beer company. FML

Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML

Today, I was debating if I actually do talk to myself. I was having this conversation with myself. FML

Rock on!

Today, I was jamming out and playing some air guitar. I somehow managed to knee myself directly in my left eye socket. I now have a hideously swollen face and a black eye. When people ask me what happened, I'll be hesitant to tell the truth. FML

Play it cool

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

Today, I was given a bottle of vitamins that are supposed to help your memory. I forgot them at home. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was time to lose our virginity. After our clothes were removed, we spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to actually have sex, and eventually gave up. FML

Today, in the locker room at work, someone tried writing "douche bag" on my locker, and misspelled it four times before apparently giving up. FML

Today, I was shopping for tampons when a cute guy came over and gave me his number. He said, "Call me in 3 to 5 days." FML

Time to run

Today, while I was looking for an apartment for my boyfriend and myself, he asked me how would I feel about his mom moving in together with us. FML