Today, my young son swung a plastic pipe, it makes a kind of whistling sound as it spins around. I was standing a little too close, luckily it missed both my legs, but hit my happy sacks full on. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. As I was beginning to enjoy and really get into it, I heard him say, "Oh my god, this is good shit." I looked up sexily, only to find that he was eating a Twinkie. FML
Today, I put out a fire. Sadly, it was on my doorstep because someone had lit a bag of dog poop. FML
Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML
Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML
Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML
Today, I did my laundry. When I took it out, everything was clean, including the mouse that had been hiding in it. FML
Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML
Today, airport security took away my 32$ eyelash curler, because it could be used as a weapon. I miss the '90s. FML
Today, while I was casually sitting at a bar, a drunk biker with no teeth leaned over and tried to kiss me. I'm a sailor in the Navy, but I think I screamed like a little girl. FML
Today, my incredibly self-conscious girlfriend decided to get over her fears and let me see her in her underwear. She did a short strip tease, crawled on top of me, and asked what I thought. I couldn't think of anything to say besides, "Your bra and panties don't match." FML
Today, I was taking care of a friend's hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML
Today, I gave my two weeks notice at work. My boss sighed with relief and muttered, "Thank God." FML
Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around. He threw me over his shoulder and turned around, smacking my face against the wall. Then he smacked my head into the fridge after turning round to see "what that loud bang" was. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML
Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML
Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML
Today, I started lessons on snowboarding. As soon as I got to the top of the hill, my instructor pushed me saying, "Just believe, it'll come to you!" He said this just before I hit a tree, breaking my nose. FML
Today, I was in church. After we were done praying, I quickly sat back down, accidentally crushing my testicles in the process. I squealed loudly and all but pissed my pants, earning me plenty of weird looks from the congregation. FML
Today, it was sunny and bright so I woke up feeling great. I pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn. FML
Today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My husband, the father of the baby, got a birdie on the golf course at the exact same time. FML
Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML
Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML
Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML
Today, my family went out to dinner at a seafood restaurant. While we were eating our food, my grandma demanded to see the manager, and loudly complained that her fish was "too fishy". FML
Today, while I was walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML
Today, I was helping some friends put supplies in my crush's car for our picnic. His girlfriend cracked a joke about me, so I just sarcastically laughed and slammed the door shut. Now she has three broken fingers, and I have a reputation as a psychopath. FML
Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML
Today, I walked in on my flatmate squatting over the bathroom scales, completely naked. When I asked what he was doing, he replied very seriously, "Weighing my testicles… you should try it sometime, if they're too heavy you may have cancer." I'm a girl. FML
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