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Today, I went to my cousin's house. I left my bag on the couch as my aunt instructed, only for my cousin to take it and throw it into the swimming pool. My laptop, textbooks and notes were soaked. My exam is in a week, and my aunt won't punish her perfect little angel. FML

Today, I was talking with some friends and the girl I like. During a lull in the conversation, she looked at me and said, "Ugh, I really wanna pop your zits." FML

Rammed

Today, my boyfriend found out that male goats will stick their tongues out, snort, and garble at female goats in heat. Now he's doing it to me at all manner of times, sound effects and all. I now know why goats ram their heads into things repeatedly. FML

Down in the dumps

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend because she wanted to be with a man who has an income and a stable career. We are seniors in college and I accepted a really good job offer which I start once I graduate, which she knows about. She dumped me for a drug dealer. FML

Today, I drove to my college campus for my 8 a.m. class, parked, walked the mile and a half to my classroom, just to find out class had been cancelled. The prof didn't send an email because she couldn't remember her password. I paid $1200 to be taught by this woman, who has a doctorate. FML

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

Today, I opened up to my boyfriend about being sexually abused in the past. He said it explains why I'm "such a bitch" when it comes to personal contact. FML

Today, I was walking through school when I noticed an advertisement for school picture retakes. It read, "Bad hair day?" Underneath was my picture. That's my normal hair. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She slapped me in the face, stormed out and won't answer my calls. What the hell? FML

Landlords…

Today, I got nearly kicked out of the room I rent because I refuse to close my curtains at night. Apparently, my landlady thinks it doesn't look nice when people pass by and look. My room is on the third floor and I just want to see the stars. FML

Today, I got turned down by my dream job because their rival company happens to be called my exact name. I'm now known as "The Spy". FML

Today, my boyfriend flamboyantly proposed to me in a packed restaurant. I promptly had a panic attack and fainted in front of at least fifty people and a full mariachi band. FML

Going at it

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying to get it on on the bed. As soon as things were starting to get heated, I turned over and saw that my dog had not only jumped up on the bed, but had been watching and started to hump the pillow next to our heads. FML

Today, I laughed about a fold in my girlfriend's jeans that felt like she had a tiny boner. She started crying. Turns out she has a slight deformity. Oops. Explains why we've been taking it so slow. FML

Skill issue

Today, I walked into the restroom at work to see my boss standing at the urinal, pissing like a toddler. He had his pants around his ankles, ass fully exposed. Now I'm never going to be able to take anything he says seriously. FML

Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me an email that read, "How to lose 25lbs". I was eating a large slice of pie when I opened the email. FML

Copycat

Today, I found out that my fiancé's sister, who only got engaged a couple of months ago, is getting married before us. I wouldn't have a problem with this if she wasn't planning her wedding to be exactly like ours will be. FML

Well done

Today, I had to bail my son out of jail, because he's a wimp and wouldn't last a night in there. His crime: pissing through the open windows of passing cars after losing a bet with his friends. I feel like if he gave me grandkids, they'd be born with half a brain. FML

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML

Today, the man who fired me from my job became my stepfather. FML

Today, I walked from my friend's wedding to my divorce. FML

Today, I was sexting my boss. I realised that I wasn't texting my boyfriend after I'd sent 2 nudes, and received many sexually provocative responses. FML

Today, my mom was talking about my grandma's approaching death. When she saw I was getting upset, she gave me a weird look and asked me if I was PMSing. FML

Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML

A liar AND a cheapskate

Today, I was at K-Mart and saw an exact copy of my engagement ring for twenty bucks. The same one that had supposedly been in my fiancé's family for generations, and worth thousands. FML

Close, but no cigar

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

Today, my husband won't seek medical treatment for a condition he's been living with for years because he saw an episode of House, in which the treatment made the condition worse in a very rare instance. FML

Today, according to daycare, my son is behind in his potty training curriculum because we are not "celebrating his natural bodily functions" enough. He turned 2 a week ago, and he peed on our bed last night because we're trying to meet this demand. FML