sixwaystilsunday

Snek

Today, for the first time in about 3 years, I decided to clean my car. It was going really well until I looked down at what I was about to pick up. On the back seat floor lay a dead snake, which at one point, for God knows how long, was living in my car while I unknowingly drove it around. FML

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML

Today, I found out my mom was getting remarried, to my dad. He's been in prison for five years because he pushed her out a window. FML

Today, I washed one of my roommates t-shirts. I forgot to remove it before putting it in the dryer, and all the print on the front melted off. It was a gift from his girlfriend. Who has just passed away. FML

Today, My girlfriend and I were watching tv when suddenly one of our phones start going off. We both have the same phone and they were next to each other. She picks up the phone and reads the text message, "I wish you were here! I'd fuck you silly" She gets pissed and runs out. It was her phone. FML

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

Today, I open my front door and saw a covered basket with a card from my girlfriend on it. I picked it up and read, "Hope this cheers you up." I uncovered the basket to find a golden labrador puppy. Its eyes were closed and it wasn't breathing. FML

Today, I got an e-mail from a girl, asking if my boyfriend was indeed my boyfriend. I sent back a gushing message about how much I loved him and how well he treated me. She replied "Yeah, I know. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, too." FML

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

Today, I met a girl at the bar. Things were going really well and we ended up going back to her place. Problem? Her husband who normally works the graveyard shift was home sick. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes having sex during my period because it makes him feel like he stabbed a small animal to death. FML

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend who's sick, he told me he felt sleepy due to meds and was going to bed. I jokingly said, "you're going to call your other girlfriend, aren't you?" There was silence before I heard, "you weren't supposed to find out like this." FML

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML

Today, I told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf, as I overheard him saying it was today. Turns out she committed suicide three years ago. FML

Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML

Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML

Today, I skipped school and stayed home without telling my parents. My mom came home on her lunch break with another man, and had sex in our living room. I'm stuck in my room, listening to my mom cheat on my dad. FML

Today, while driving my new car, a squirrel ran in front of me so I slammed on my brakes. The person behind me didn't notice and rear-ended me. The squirrel got hit by a car going the opposite direction. FML

Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

Today, it was my first day as an animal control officer. My first dispatch was to collect a dog that had been hit by a car. I had to clean up my dead dog on my first day of a job that barely pays rent. FML

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

Sex Ed is broken

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

Lifeless

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

Public freakout

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend in a crowded mall. I thought this was a good idea, until she went ballistic, began screaming and crying, and then stabbed me in the stomach with a ballpoint pen. I got banned from the mall. FML

Secret Weeb

Today, I was on my third date with a really hot girl. A guy walked by singing the Pokémon theme song. She started making fun of the guy, mocking his immaturity. I joined in, in order to keep the conversation going. Everything was going great but then my phone rang. It's the Pokémon theme song. FML

Just a prank, bro

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to declare my love to the girl I have a crush on. I guess I shouldn't have gone and kissed her without warning, because now my face is covered with slap marks, and I had to explain myself at the police station for sexual harassement. FML

Gun control

Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML