Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML
Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML
Today, I was walking through the bar area of the restaurant I work at and fell on my ass. Customers complained to my manager that I shouldn't be drinking on the job. FML
Today, I opened the freezer for some Poptarts and a giant block of meat fell and broke my toe. FML
Today, I got dumped because I was on my period. Apparently he was pissed because I have one "like, every single month." FML
Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML
Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML
Today, to be nice, I baked cookies for my step-mom as a birthday present. I burnt my hand while putting them in the oven, but I'd hoped it would be worth it. When she got home, I gave one for her to try. She took a bite, spit it out, and threw it on the floor, asking if it was a joke or if I was really trying to poison her. FML
Today, my varsity swim team got second place in the State meet. My coach said I could bring the trophy home for the weekend. On the way home, I accidentally sat on it and broke it, cutting my butt. FML
Today, I was working on my family genealogy. I found out that my best friend's great-grandfather murdered my great-grandfather. FML
Today, I realized I've been playing too much Call of Duty. I started screaming, "Spawn, bitch! Spawn!" at my microwavable pizza while it was in the microwave. FML
Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML
Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML
Today, my boss and I were preparing a lunch order for a nearby real-estate agency. I noticed that the order was riddled with spelling mistakes, so I laughed and mocked the realtors, calling them stupid and incompetent. My boss then pointed out that the order was written in his handwriting. FML
Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML
Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML
Today, I was working alone in the office with my brother. He's run out of work to do, so has been singing Disney songs loudly and badly, throwing stationery at me, and just now snuck up on me from behind and wrapped duct tape round my face. It's just us in the office next week. FML
Today, I had a lady come in to order a pizza. She wanted to use a free delivery coupon. After telling her several times that she couldn't use a free delivery coupon, unless she was having the pizza delivered, she told me I have horrible people skills. FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Devastated, he withered onto the floor into an inconsolable wreck in front of dozens of people. The ribbon of embarrassment that went down my spine was too much for me to handle, so I had to tell him I was "only joking." FML
Today, when drunk, I became OCD about everything and spent 3 hours making sure that the books on my shelves were straight. I thought that being drunk was supposed to be fun. FML
Today, my girlfriend's response to my question about where our relationship was going was, "Let me check what my Celtic Runes have to say about it." FML
Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying, "Only these guns!" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. Neither will the cops down at the station. FML
Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML
Today, I was worried about my brother because he said that his new medication was making him hallucinate. I told him he should see a doctor right away. He said it was fine and that he had already seen a doctor. I later found out the doctor he was talking about was a hallucination. FML
Today, I almost got kidnapped. Again. FML
Today, my sister, knowing that I'm terrified of his face, taped a picture of Michael Jackson over our toilet. When I entered the washroom, I sprinted back out screaming. Minutes later, while in the shower, I happened to glance up at the ceiling. Guess who was grinning down at me. FML
Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML
Today, my social anxiety hit a new low. I was playing bingo and, although I won, I didn't shout "bingo" because I thought too many people would look at me. FML
Today, it's my best friend's birthday. It's also the first year I've had her gift purchased, wrapped and mailed on time. The post office lost the parcel. FML
Today, I tried to do my leaf collection project for biology, which ended with me being hospitalized because of an allergy attack. I have no idea what I'm allergic to, but my doctor says I should just assume I'm "allergic to all leaves, ever." FML
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