Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML
Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML
Today, my dog used my stomach as a trampoline to jump onto the couch. I wouldn't have minded so much if I wasn't still recovering from having my appendix removed. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I got a graphing calculator and my period. FML
Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML
Today, I was arguing in the car with my boyfriend about who was the better driver. Being so incensed by the fact that he thought he was better made me completely zone out, and run a red light. FML
Today, I fell over on the bus. X-Rays revealed not only that I have been growing extra bones in my foot, but that when I fell, I crushed all of them. Doctors don't know how to fix bones that aren't supposed to be there, so they're just going to cut them out. Two days before Christmas. FML
Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign to make sure the customers didn't slip. FML
Today, I found out that FedEx delivered my $700 package to the wrong person. The person who signed for it didn't even spell my name right. FML
Today, I accidentally forgot my glasses in a store bathroom. When I finally noticed, I went back to find that someone was wearing them as he was walking out of the store. I didn't have the balls to call him out on it. FML
Today, a little boy called me, crying that "Grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say, "Wrong number." FML
Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML
Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML
Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said 2 years ago, as a joke. I guess she took a while to get it. FML
Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML
Today, I was approached by a police officer who instructed me to move because I was "threatening the elderly". I was sitting on a park bench in front of an old folks home. FML
Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML
Today, at my job as a produce clerk at a grocery store, I had an entire conversation with my coworker about how nice the new cabbage boxes are. This is all it takes to thrill me these days. FML
Today, a guy lost control of his umbrella in the wind, which then hit me in the eye, making me bleed. He screamed at me for trying to steal his umbrella. People laughed. FML
Today, I spent five dollars on a virtual cat. FML
Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I'd left my keys back in the house. FML
Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML
Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML
Today, I had to re-grade a student's assignments because neither he, nor his parents can read "Spanish." I'd written in cursive. FML
Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML
Today, I started my new job as a repossession agent. While attempting to repo a boat, we came across a young couple. The woman was very annoying, and even hit another agent, so I threatened to throw her in the water if she touched him again. I ended up in the water instead. FML
Today, I tripped and fell on the sidewalk. As I did, a car that was passing by stopped, made a U-turn, and then came back so the people inside could laugh at me. When they were done taunting me, they made another U-turn and continued back in their original direction. FML
Today, I let my imbecile of a brother borrow my car. The keys to his car are now jammed into the ignition of mine. FML
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