YTfangirl

Today, my mom called my workplace and told my boss to make sure I wear a hat so I didn't get heatstroke like I did on my last shift. I'm 25. FML

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

Today, I was having a conversation with a new friend when she remembered she needed to grab something from her car. I don't know where she parked, but it's been two and a half hours and she's still gone. FML

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

Today, despite having my 5-day-leave approved 2 months ago, my boss demanded I return to work in the middle of it. Why? She wants to go on a vacation and no one else is available at such short notice. FML

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to divorce me. FML

Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

Thanks

Today, while walking to work with my best friend, he broke down in tears. I asked what was wrong, and he told me his mom passed away last night. All I could think to do was give him a hug and say I was sorry. Then some assclown walking past said "GAAAYYY!" and walked away laughing hysterically. FML

Today, I got married. The minister pronounced us husband and wife using our first names. Except he used my husband's ex-wife's name. I happened to glance at my mother-in-law who was almost in tears from laughing so hard. FML

Today, after months of Tinder-ing, first dates and being rejected, I finally was able to hook up with a girl. We met, we kissed, we danced and I took her back to my place. She then promptly tried to make out with my roommate. FML

It's not what you think

Today, I found out everyone in my neighborhood thinks that I'm a beaten woman due to the reoccurring ambulances in front of my house at night. My kid just chokes on everything, and they don't believe me. FML

Today, my mother informed me that she sold my dog to pay off some bills. FML

Worst argument ever

Today, my boyfriend told me I should stop talking about his major gambling problem because he still loves me even though I gained weight. Apparently that evens things out. FML

Today, I found out that my immediate supervisor had modified my phone in the priority order at our call center. As a result, any calls that came in during the night shift would be routed to my phone first, so that he can play games on his phone uninterrupted. It's been a whole year. FML

Today, I made a fatal mistake that may cost my company thousands of dollars. This was right after I got a recognition for my outstanding work last week. FML

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, saying, "Congratulations, you have a new match." FML

Today, I fractured my shinbone after slipping on a leaf. FML

Today, I found out that my "friends" only invite me to their parties when they need a designated driver. Apparently I'm "not fun" because I don't drink, which "ruins the party". FML

Today, a student set me on fire while I was lecturing my class about proper lab safety. FML

This week's illustrated FML

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

You OK, hun?

Today, my boyfriend called me at work and said, "I hate to do this over the phone..." I burst into tears, thinking he was going to break up with me. Turns out he only ate my last doughnut. Now my co-workers think I'm a weirdo. FML

Today, I gave a group presentation. Because I didn't know the last names of my group members, I'd put fake ones in, intending to replace them later. I forgot to change them and I ended up giving a presentation alongside a very angry Greg Penishead and Josh Acne. FML

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

Bad, so bad

Today, the man of my dreams turned out to be the worst kisser I've ever encountered. I now have a huge hickey on my chin to remember the experience by. FML

Today, my boyfriend was diagnosed with a UTI. He thought men can only get UTIs by "catching" them from a woman, so he blamed me for it. FML

This charming dork

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying, "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

Today, I was walking with a friend to tell him how excited I was for college and even motivating him to apply for the same school, until I found out later that I got rejected. FML

Today, I remembered that the concert I bought tickets for over a month in advance was yesterday. FML

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

Today, I got called into work on my day off. I ended up being written up for being 15 minutes late to a shift I didn't even have. FML