Malyssab

Today, I went into a restaurant with my family. I slipped off my chair, pulling the tablecloth with all the food and drinks on it with me onto the floor. FML

Mags

Today, I got a rejection letter after I filed a claim regarding potholes on a high speed road that damaged my vehicle. Two of my tires and very expensive Honda mags, worth 1000$ each, are done for. Meanwhile, the city claims they're working hard to fix the roads. It's been 3 weeks, the potholes are still there and the city says they're not at fault. FML

Today, after a night of drinking, I awoke in the early hours of the morning to a sight of my roommate playing with my penis. FML

Today, while working in a dark nightclub, I dropped a red charger. Retracing my steps, I found it, or so I thought until I picked up a used tampon. FML

Today, my boyfriend saw me without make-up for the first time we've been dating for two years. He freaked because he didn't know who I was. FML

Today, I finally felt comfortable enough to fart in front of my boyfriend for the first time. He went quiet, got up and left in his car. I haven't heard from him in 4 hours. FML

Stingy

Today, I found out that my friends all think, "Don't worry about it" means "It's free." I'm a few thousand dollars in debt and they back each other like a gang. Never mind all the Aussies who say it means, "Pay slowly." FML

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. As things got heated, he broke down crying. I assumed it was just anxiety so I hugged him and told him it's alright and that it didn't matter, we'd try another time. Half an hour later, he confessed that he's actually gay. FML

Today, my two year old got out of her crib while I was sleeping and destroyed $700 worth of my makeup from Sephora. FML

Today, I woke up to the fire department at my house. Why? My brother called 911 thinking there was a fire after turning the heat on for the first time all winter. FML

Self harm

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me via text and said she was keeping the cat. I've had the cat since for seven years since she was a kitten. FML

Sleeping In

I'll never leave this bed!

Thanks, I guess…

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk from town, busted the toilet door open crying, and proposed to me with a ring and all. I was literally mid-shit. FML

Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML

Ouch

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

Tasty

Today, I was in the cinema making out with my girlfriend. I asked her if she could stop trying to pass me her gum because it was kinda gross. She replied, "It's not gum, I just have bronchitis." FML

Evening routine

Today, my husband misheard me when I said I wanted a massage with sensual oils. He used essential oils instead. Essential oils are not meant to be used on the skin, trust me. My skin looks like a cross between sandpaper and pus-filled bubble wrap. FML

It's a trap!

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with a voice card. It said "Marry me Amber?" I'm not Amber. That's his ex. FML

Today, my boyfriend's mother informed me that when I visit him next month, he is planning to propose. We have a long-distance relationship and I've been thinking of breaking it off. His friends and family are involved with the proposal he planned. They're all going to hate me. FML

Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML

Today, I found out that even though I’m a wonderful singer, my choir teacher gave me a B in the class because I didn’t have “enough facial expression”. I got marked down for a resting bitch face without a warning. FML

Today, I was flirting with a guy and we ended up having a deep conversation through text. We were talking all our problems, and saying really sweet things to each other. I THOUGHT he was going to say something else really sweet and cute. He linked me to Suicide Hotline instead. FML

Today, my fiancé accused me of cheating and broke up with me. I texted his best friend, who I've never talked to before, to see if he could talk some sense into my ex. Turns out he has several fiancées and was cheating on me since day one. FML

Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when she forgot I was looking at the car for sale. When I got home, I told my mom and jokingly said, "First time I have been kidnapped!" Without hesitation she said, "Well, that makes it the third time." I had no idea. FML

Today, my girlfriend finally came over to watch a movie with me after weeks of being really busy. As a treat she brought chocolate cookies, which she knows I can't eat. I am allergic to chocolate. FML

Today, my younger brother sat on some poison ivy. He didn't have any symptoms because he's pretty much immune to it. Also today, my boyfriend had to run to the ER because he got poison ivy on his genitalia. I knew they spent way too much time together. FML

Wuss

Today, I had to drive 40-odd miles to my grown-ass son's house to kill a large spider on the wall. It had him trapped in his bedroom because his wife had already gone to work. How did I ever raise such a wuss? FML

Uh... Okay?

Today, I was going out with my boyfriend after recently coming out. On my way out the door, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Suck that dick like a champ tonight, son." FML