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RC3Welly - 09/03/2012 22:58 - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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Anonymous - 02/11/2015 19:05 - United States - Rogers

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were, "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

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Mixed signals

fuck - 18/04/2015 14:38 - United States - Saint Thomas

Today, I went on a date with a girl I like. Afterwards, I drove her home, and we just sat there awkwardly. I thought she wanted to kiss me but was nervous, so I jokingly said, "What're you waiting for? Christmas?" I guess she took that as a "Get the hell out", because she broke into tears and left. FML

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ashamed - 14/12/2014 02:02 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my dad and grandpa came to a charity event that I helped set up for people who have autism. I appreciated their support, until I heard my dad say "Man, some of these 'tards are pretty hot." and my grandpa replying "Yeah. Probably like dead fish in bed, though." FML

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Not now, dude

Anonymous - 25/10/2014 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML

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