alpal264

WASTED

Today, I tripped over my own feet and dislocated my kneecap. FML

Today, I found myself lying to my diary. FML

Today, they played Nickelback at our school dance. FML

What day is it?

Today, I caught my dad smoking the weed he grounded me for having. FML

Hott

Today, I had my first steamy wet dream. It involved the Power Rangers. FML

Today, the only member of our family who can get health insurance is our dog. FML

Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML

Rare insults corner

Today, a little girl came up to me and told me I looked like a foot. Thanks a bunch, darling. FML

Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML

Today, I realised that I've never been able to successfully cook a meal outside of World of Warcraft. FML

Today, my teenage son tried to huff a can of spray paint. FML

I'll leave you to it then…

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML

Today, a girl who's in charge of a group project that I get graded on, asked if Bill Gates was a Founding Father. She was totally serious. I'm screwed. FML

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

Today, my mom started getting ready for the Rapture. FML

Today, a customer was paying for his food. As he placed the money in my hand, he said, "Careful, those coins are sticky." I asked why. He replied, "You know, male stuff." FML

Today, I woke up to my creepy new roommate licking my cheek. FML

Today, I found out that my brother is adamant that if he records silence, then listens to said silence at full volume, it'll improve the headphones' noise-blocking abilities. I live with a complete idiot. FML

Today, I replaced a usually fun collegue's picture of his kids with a picture of my face against glass, so it looked I was inside the screen. Everyone laughed, but he reported me because I tried to "erase his children" and "if anything happens to them" it's now my fault. FML

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML

Today, I found out my 13-year-old daughter thinks the showerhead got her pregnant. FML

Today, I could think of more 'pros' than 'cons' for why I should start drinking again. FML

Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML

Future Darwin Award

Today, I came home to find my 14-year-old son attempting to get drunk off aftershave. FML

Today, I discovered that the guy I've been seeing is a firm supporter of the Westboro Baptist Church. FML

Today, my grocery shopping consisted of Poptarts, SpaghettiOs, Lucky Charms, Popsicles, Easy Mac, and Twinkies. I'm a 25-year-old woman with no kids. FML

Public freakout

Today, I watched as my grandma beat the shit out of my dad at the zoo. FML

Today, everything that was beautiful and pure in my life turned into a terrible, warped version of what it once was. Today, I lost all hope and no longer believe that life, although sometimes shitty, is sweet and worth living. Today, I met my mother-in-law. FML