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me - 04/02/2012 19:40 - United States

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

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Um… you what now?

intheairtonight - 25/04/2012 06:22 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML

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Unsolicited dick texts

jaderie - - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mum bought a phone. Since teaching her how to text, I have received 27 messages, repeatedly saying the word "penis". FML

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gimmeasalad - 21/04/2012 06:01 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, as I was washing my boyfriend's fishbowl, the fish did a Nemo and made an unholy leap down the drain. My immediate impulse was to flip the switch. Our kitchen now smells like mutilated fish and my boyfriend won't speak to me. FML

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zztopspinner - 14/03/2012 19:11 - United States

Today, whilst stacking the dish washer I dropped a steak knife. Luckily, I caught it just before it hit my foot. I fist-pumped to celebrate my amazing catch and stabbed myself in the cheek. My parents couldn't stop laughing all the way to the hospital. FML

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