Monsieur NYC 27 ans Célibataire
Today, I prepared for my first date in two years. I shaved my legs, did my hair and nails, painted my face, found the perfect outfit, then waited for hours for a man who never came. FML
Today, I picked up a birthday card for my dad at the supermarket in a mad rush. I didn’t realise that the inside said “From your daughter”. He thinks this was my way of coming out as trans, and said that he'd suspected it for years. FML
Today, I realised just how skewed my reality is when I was pleasantly surprised that teenagers threw eggs at my windows. They usually throw rocks. FML
Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML
Today, while getting ice cream with a friend, her car got broken into. Nothing was taken except my backpack, which contained assignments making up 50% or more for grades in four separate classes. FML
Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML
Today, I was offered a job. It only took me a year and 17 interviews to get an offer, and I have a PhD. FML
Today, my social studies teacher thought it would be a great idea to have a casual debate about Margaret Thatcher and her legacy. Within 10 minutes, the entire class was yelling, screaming, throwing stuff at each other. I got hit in the face with a binder. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I am a triplet. In my first class, everyone sang happy birthday to my sister. Her friends got her balloons too. My other sister's friends got her flowers. Everyone forgot I was their sister and all of my own friends forgot that it was my birthday. FML
Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML
Today, after being unemployed for the last year, I finally got an interview. When they asked me my favorite pastime, I panicked and said, "Dancing with my cat." I guess I won’t be hearing from them anytime soon. FML
Today, I told my parents that I'm a smoker. My mother started crying, and said she worried I was gay, but this is almost as bad. That lead on to part two of my confession. FML
Today, my boss told me to sort and file all the paperwork he'd been randomly shoving into boxes since 2010. Apparently we're being audited, so he expects me to do eight years of filing in two weeks. There's enough paper to fully stock a large public library. Two weeks my ass. FML
Today, I came back home from uni for the first time in 9 months. Since I started living on my own, I gave up all alcohol, sodas, and animal products. My family was so eager to see me that even cousins and uncles were there. For the "intervention". FML
Today, my brother came out to our parents. They weren't super happy with it, but they said that it was ok since they still had a straight son. I don't know how to tell them that I'm gay too. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML
Today, five hours into my shift, I found out that I had been given the day off. They just forgot to tell me. FML
Today, I had to awkwardly explain in a conference with HR, management, and my coworkers that the occasional bruises, cuts, welts, and choke marks are from consensual BDSM sex and NOT domestic violence. FML
Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML
Today, I came out to my parents as gay and they reacted better than I expected. Then I found my car destroyed with a note that said "fag" on what used to be my hood. I never thought I'd have to sue my own family, but I'm lucky I have security footage. FML
Today, my new colleagues discovered the videos I did in college when I was short of money and didn't know they would end up online. My friend even asked if I was "the guy who came after 30 seconds and was comforted by the director". I was that guy. FML
Today, I was leaving college when my yearlong roommate said that he "needed me inside him" before I left. Having just accepted that I’m gay, we had sex. Only later did I learn about the floor-wide bet about me being gay. I still don’t know if my roommate fucked me for fun or for 5 cases of beer. FML
Today, I finally came out to my dad, who is a priest, as gay. He responded by splashing me with holy water to "banish the demon within" me. FML
Today, I came home to a completely trashed house and just stood there in shock until I heard something upstairs. I ran to heroically catch the robber and, despite being a 4'10" woman, I did it! How? The fat fuck got stuck in my window. FML
Today, I heard my brother and sister-in-law discussing whether they should name my soon-to-be-born niece Annabelle or Samara. My nephews are named Jason, Freddy and Chucky. See the pattern? FML
Today, my boyfriend canceled our date last-minute. He claimed he had no time because he had to iron his towels. FML
Today, at work, someone shat outside the bathroom door. Not outside the stall, but in the actual hallway. Guess who got fired for refusing to clean it up! I’m a cashier at a tool supply company and the only female employee. Four dudes refused before I did. FML
Today, thinking my ex-gothic friend was going through another "wear all black" phase, I walked up to her and jokingly asked who died. Her father. Her father died. FML
Today, I received a package from Amazon that was supposed to contain the book I needed for my open book final exam tonight. They must have mixed up my order, because the box contained a large pink dildo. I think the universe just told me to get fucked. FML
Today, I told my mom I had 73 cents in my checking account. She gave me a penny and told me I had 74 cents and it was even now. Thanks mom. FML
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