CosmoCaveman

Today, I spent five dollars on a virtual cat. FML

Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

Boo!

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

Today, my parents are on holiday, which means I have the house to myself. Wild parties? Hot girls? Loads of beer? No. Flu. FML

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

Timing

Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call. The phone rang while I was sitting on the toilet. FML

Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML

Today, a man crashed into my car. He then got out of his car, dug a toothbrush and toothpaste out of his bag, and tried to brush away the damage. FML

Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

Today, I didn't have plans on shaving my pubic hair. My girlfriend's braces thought otherwise. FML

Today, my girlfriend of three days asked if we could start naming our future children. FML

Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML

Repetitive

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML

Nothing better to do

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

I think we're alone now

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden, I heard a familiar voice, saying, "At least someone's having fun…" It was my boss. FML

Today, I found out the girl I've been trying to date for six months is gay. FML

Today, I fell down the stairs twice. I fell from the top, stopped in the middle, stood up, stepped down one more step, tripped, and fell down the rest of the stairs. FML

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

Today, my girlfriend woke up very early in terrible pain. I drove her to the hospital and fell asleep in the waiting area. When I woke up, my car was gone and it was 9am. She had assumed I just walked home (32 miles), so she took the car. I was the only one in the waiting area. FML

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss, talking about holiday hours. I had to go to my doctor's appointment, so I said, "G2G, love you" accidentally. Not only did he say it back, but he also requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

Today, my brother got a pet ferret. He told me it had a flexible spine, so I bent it backwards. It farted, and clawed my face. FML

Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML

Today, my cat died in the process of eating, and choking on, my hamster. FML