Mademoiselle Cork 31 ans Célibataire
Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML
Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML
Today, I had a stomach virus. I tried to make myself throw up to feel better. My long nails sliced open my throat from the inside, and I threw up blood. FML
Today, I ran over my neighbors' cat. I didn't want it to look like I killed it, so I put it under my other neighbor's car so it would look like they ran over it. The cat's owners were watching me. FML
Today, I went to a museum that had exhibits of wax people in the hallways. We were taking pictures of what we thought to be a waxwork old lady. Turns out she was real. FML
Today, I was tossing my car keys into the air and catching them. I threw them up really high, only to have them land in the branches of the palm tree outside my door, at the very top. FML
Today, I was given a $25 gift certificate for being Employee Of The Week. The gift certificate was 6 months past its expiration date. FML
Today, I was kicked out of class for having a coughing fit. Yesterday, I was kicked out of class for sleeping, a side effect of my cough suppressant. Three absents from this class and I automatically fail. FML
Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML
Today, I was told that I will never be able to have children. Thankfully for my husband, his girlfriend sure can. FML
Today, I told my son he couldn't have a toy. He threw a fit, looked me in the eye, and screamed, "Daddy's right! You are a bitch!" The whole store was watching. FML
Today, after giving my husband a new video game that he's been wanting, along with homemade waffles and a surprise blowjob, he gave me my gift: two packets of ramen noodles, and toilet paper. FML
Today, my 25 year-old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML
Today, my dad told me I was folding my laundry all wrong. I said with a smirk, "A little clothes-minded, are we?" He slapped me. Hard. FML
Today, while cleaning tables at the fast food place where I work, I had to remove two human teeth from a table top. FML
Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML
Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML
Today, I was playing Charades. My boyfriend, who I'd recently had a fight with, had trouble and just said his answer was the name of my celebrity twin. Nobody got it. He said "Really? It's Fat Bastard." Stunned silence followed, broken by a single "HAH." from my 'best friend'. FML
Today, I found out that, given the correct velocity, a used condom can actually fly through a tiny window and slap you on the leg. I also found out that when you go to the window to yell at the perpetrator, they might have more ammunition. FML
Today, after frantically searching my house and office and calling every place I'd visited in the last 24 hours, I finally found my phone in my fridge. FML
Today, at my house party, I caught my boyfriend having sex with my best friend. His excuse? He wanted to be better in bed for me. FML
Today, my roommate was making a waterproof iPhone case and decided to use my phone to test it out. It didn't work. FML
Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML
Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML
Today, I failed a major exam. It wasn't because I didn't prepare for it, though. I failed because somebody sneezed during it and I said "bless you." Apparently, that's classed as cheating. FML
Today, I changed my toothbrush because the bristles were wearing down. My brother later asked me why I changed his toothbrush. Apparently we've been sharing the same one for the past several weeks. FML
Today, I noticed my shower drain wasn't draining well. I cleaned it out, thinking it was just a rat's nest of hair. Wrong. It was an actual dead rat. FML
Today, I found out why my husband has been coming home from work so late. Turns out he loves to help people. Specifically female people. And by help, I mean sleep with. FML
Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML
Today, my little sister came up to me holding up my phone. It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't dropped it in the toilet first. FML
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