classicate

Assumptions

Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML

Today, a pharmacist slut-shamed me for taking birth control. I'm still a virgin, and I only take those pills to help with my acne and period cramps. FML

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of my grandfather's funeral and my cousin started cracking up. It caused a chain reaction of laughter throughout all of the other cousins and my siblings. Now my aunts won't speak to any of us. FML

Today, for breakfast, I made a butter sandwich. I'm that broke. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I got a brand new down comforter and duvet cover that I really liked. I'd finally managed to put everything the way I wanted it, and then my roommate's dog came and peed all over my bed. FML

Today, my boyfriend showed me his need for speed. It was amazing, except he showed it to me with my new car while running away from the cops. FML

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML

Today, I logged onto Tinder to see if I had any messages. I had one: "Get off Tinder." FML

Today I was home sick from work because my doctor gave me a new pill that made me throw up violently. My boss called. I thought she was checking on me. She fired me instead. FML

Backhanded

Today, my aunt said that it looked like I lost some weight. I was pleased with this, since I've been trying to lose some. My mom, for some reason, thought it was insulting. She pulled me to aside to assure me that I most definitely don't look any skinnier. FML

Trust

Today, at my new job, I realized I have been spending too much time with just my cat. As I passed some coworkers in the hall, I nodded and gave them the "slow blink of trust" that is used with cats. FML

Choose wisely

Today, my boyfriend's obsession with card tricks reached a new low. He barged into the bathroom while I was taking a crap and asked me to pick a card. FML

Today, after years in a relationship I realized that my partner does not like the music I listen to, the food I cook, the pictures I take, the way I dress. The only thing she likes is when I take her out to eat. FML

Today, I found the dog I lost while I was dog sitting. It was with its new adoptive family. FML

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

Lazy boi

Today, my laziness got so bad, I downloaded an app and spent 10 minutes configuring it to work with my TV and cable box, just so I wouldn't have to get up and grab the remote. FML

Today, my co-worker, who used to be in a frat with me in college, decided to tell all my coworkers as well as my boss all the stupid things I did in college, starting with the time a girl stole my clothes and I had to walk across campus naked. FML

Bag sign

Today, I decided to take some local college courses to improve my résumé. I got into the physics room and a large, multi-colored sign in large print stated, "NO THROWING OR STABBING." FML

Creepypasta

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple of stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

Today, my extremely racist coworker was doing his usual thing. Since it was 9/11 he went absolutely hardcore on his "jokes" so I reported it to my supervisor. She asked what did he say specifically and I recited it to her. She decided to write me up for "making inappropriate comments at work". FML

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that my 12 year-old daughter had to get in the driver's seat to order from the drive-thru. FML

Kinda sus

Today, after days of working with a client on plans for a project, I received a message halfway through completion, saying the deal was off because my prices were "so low, it seems like a scam." FML

Today, I got a call from my employers wanting to ask why I had a no call, no show for today. My supervisor reported me for not showing up to work. It's my day off, and also my birthday. FML

Today, I took my wife to a country concert for her birthday, even though I can't stand country. While she had the time of her life, I was punched twice, had a beer dropped on me, and had a rather large, drunk woman fall on me. Happy birthday, baby. FML

Today, they opened a new firing range behind my housing block. No big deal, except they are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. FML

Today, after working a 24-hour shift I was finally able to get some sleep. Not even an hour after falling asleep, I was woken up by my drunk husband humping my leg. FML

Today, I've had more crushes on fictional characters than actual people. FML

Today, a woman came in to order lunch. She ordered a sandwich then asked for me to configure it precisely to her complicated desires. This took a whole 5 minutes, during the lunch rush. When I told her the cost, she decided it was too expensive and cancelled her order. FML

Delicious

Today, I was having dinner at my aunt's house who just migrated to Germany from India and doesn't know any German. I asked for the recipe of a dish and she said that she has been buying these cans with cute kitty picture and just adds spices to it. Cat food is delicious I must admit. FML