Today, my boss was watching taser pranks online, when he said he was going to "get me". We often take turns playing pranks on each other, and I was the last to prank him. Now I'm terrified to move or turn my back on anything other than a wall at work. FML
Today, I went to feed my neighbor's cat while he was out of town. The cat was sick, so part of my job was to give it a pill each time I came. Cats don't like swallowing pills. My neighbor forgot to mention that his cat wasn't declawed. I was wearing shorts. FML
Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML
Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML
Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML
Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML
Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML
Today, at the age of 16, I'm recovering from hip surgery. My friends took me out to the movies to cheer me up. They thought it would be hilarious to steal my crutches and leave me stranded and alone in the mall, multiple times. It wasn't. FML
Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML
Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML
Today, I have an eight hour transatlantic flight and the person sitting next to me has already filled his third sick bag. This wouldn't be quite so bad were we not still at the terminal with passengers still boarding the plane. FML
Today, I sprained my knee while going down on one knee to propose to my girlfriend. She laughed as I rolled in pain. I still haven't gotten an answer. FML
Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML
Today, I woke up to the news that my mom's in jail. FML
Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML
Today, I got a ticket from a cop for not riding my bike in the bike lane. I wasn't riding in the bike lane because I was avoiding construction work. FML
Today, I finally got over the knee injury that has been holding back my military application for 6 months. They sent me to the optometrist, who said my eyes were too bad for service. FML
Today, I came in to work looking very tan. I took Friday off to go to a friend's funeral, which was outdoors, and I tan very easily. Now my boss and everyone else thinks I lied about my friend's death to get off work on a Friday. FML
Today, I went to a restaurant with a girl I really liked. She started crying when an overweight family walked in and loudly sobbed about how the parents were "murdering" their children. This made the father of that family try to fight me. FML
Today, my mom and I had a fight in the car over who farted. The result? She wanted to smell my underwear when we got home, to prove it was me. FML
Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML
Today, I found out that my parents used all of the college money I have been saving up for 8 years to buy a beach house. The reason they waited until now to tell me? A tree fell on it, and they need more money for repairs. FML
Today, I went to evening Mass. I later found that sometime between entering the church and receiving Communion, someone had snatched my iPhone straight out of my handbag. FML
Today, I told a guy at work about my boyfriend. His immediate response was to ask me if I was making him up. He's the third person to react this way. FML
Today, I realized that trying to fit in with my crush's social circle by acting like one of the lads was a waste of time. All he does is high-five me all the time and tell me every little detail of his latest one night stands. FML
Today, my son told me he was afraid of monsters under his bed. When I poked my head under to show him nothing was there, the family cat sprang out and clawed me in the face. Now I have a gash on my chin, and my son refuses to go anywhere near his bed. FML
Today, British Telecom disconnected my landline by mistake. Their call centre in India tried to reach me. Result, they spoke to an unknown gentleman, who told them he didn't need a phone line at my address. Reconnection in 2 business days. FML
Today, I phoned up my bank's customer service department. I waited eleven minutes on hold with the lovely music, and when a woman finally picked up, I ran out of phone credit. FML
Today, I tried to play with my Wii using the TV remote. FML
Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML
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