Hyenayena

Today, my brother's girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him "It could be worse. Your brother can't even get a girlfriend". FML

Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML

Today, I received in the mail a hockey puck autographed by recent hall of fame addition Steve Yzerman. When asked, I had to explain to my 4 year old brother that someone famous had written his name on it. Later, I discovered that my brother decided it needed his name on it too. FML

Today, I spent most of my morning comforting the guy I love because his fiancée dumped him for some other guy. He continuously told me I had no clue that kind of pain he was in. He dumped me three years ago for the girl that just left him. FML

Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML

Today, for karaoke, I sang American Woman by Lenny Kravitz. The entire audience cracked up laughing and at least three people pulled out their cell phones to record my performance. At the end, the DJ said, "Looks like someone had too much tonight." I was completely sober. FML

Demon child

Today, I was babysitting a new child. I guess she heard me tell her parents about my severe peanut allergy because she got a jar out of the pantry, spread it all over the stairs leading to where her fort was, and walked around with a baseball bat covered in it so I couldn't come near her. FML

Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML

Grow up

Today, while working the drive-through at McDonald's, I was handing a gentleman his vanilla shake. He responded by popping the cap off, yelling "Fire in the hole!" and throwing it back in. He then quickly drove off. I was covered in vanilla shake. FML

We meet again

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great… we graduated high school together. FML

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

Today, after being a vegetarian for 5 years, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 years has secretly been feeding me meat. His reason is that he thinks it's "funny" that I still call myself a vegetarian afterwards. FML

Poor old George Orwell…

Today, we are reading Animal Farm in class. Almost the entire class think it's about animal abuse. Including the teacher. FML

Today, I was yelled at by a bunch of angry people because I couldn't physically move out of the way while 10 more tried to force their way onto a subway in Shanghai. Then one old lady started hitting me with her purse to get me to move even more. FML

Today, my husband and I told my parents that I finally managed to conceive. My mom burst into tears of joy and said how great it was that she's finally going to be a "real" grandma, all within earshot of our adopted and now-devastated daughter. FML

Today, my niece started crying because she thought that someday she'll look like me. FML

Today, I found out that the motorcycle I paid cash for was an illegal import. My plates are canceled, I have to turn in the bike for it to be destroyed, and the seller has vanished off the face of the planet. FML

Today, I left my phone outside on the grass while I went inside to get a drink. I didn't expect my dad to run over it with the lawn mower. FML

Today, my parents made me quit a school team that I absolutely loved, because women "aren't supposed to play sports." and were worried that if I stayed on the team, I'd develop a manly physique. FML

Today, I went to the orthodontist, and found out when I was supposed to get my braces off. His exact words, "You'll get them off around Christmas... but we're not sure what year." FML

Today, I had an argument with my boyfriend who was accusing me of only being in a relationship with him because I'd fantasised about being with an Asian. When I told him he was wrong, he asked me what attracted me to him in the first place. "Your eyes" was definitely the wrong answer. FML

Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML

Today, while showering, I broke the cap off the shampoo. Not my shampoo, my roommate's. The $60 shampoo I swore I wouldn't touch. FML

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

Today, the canine behaviour course I am studying released a new assignment in which I need to film myself teaching a dog a new trick. The only dog I have access to is my sister's neurotic, anxious Chihuahua who bites at any sudden noise. FML

Today, my long time girlfriend flew across the country to visit. My asshat roommate decided to introduce himself to her while I was in the bathroom. She left and won't answer my calls. He won't tell me what he said to her. FML

Today, at school, a cute girl kept glancing up at me, giggling, and looking away as soon as I looked at her. So naturally I walked up to her and asked if she wanted to go out sometime. She said she didn't like me, she was just laughing at how big a zit was on my forehead. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I respectfully asked my landlady if he could stay with me until he gets back on his feet. He was robbed at gunpoint in his house last night. Landlady then yelled because we aren't married, and then showed up at my door at 10pm, "just making sure John isn't here". FML