Mademoiselle Philadelphia 35 ans Célibataire
Today, my estranged father, with whom I haven't spoken in years, called me and demanded to know where his Father's Day gift was. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought another expensive bong to go with the one he bought last month, along with his new phone, airsoft gun, and various other things he's blown our money on this year. He's bought nothing to prepare for our son, though, who's due next month. FML
Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML
Today, in public, a homeless guy looked me in the eyes and started wanking. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 2 months broke up with me after finding out that I reload my own shotgun shells and I shoot competitively. His reasoning? He didn't want to date a "cheap and dangerous woman." Seriously? FML
Today, my daughter had ice cream while I was napping. She didn't want me to know so she put the bowl in the trashcan and put the spoon in the garbage disposal and turned it on, because she thought it would make the spoon disappear. FML
Today, my dad refused to believe that the Animal Planet's mermaid mockumentaries were faked. Instead he got into a huge argument with me, claiming the government is covering up the existence of mermaids and must've threatened the producers to keep it quiet. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he hasn't been to the dentist in two years and definitely doesn't plan on it because, "That's just how the government steals more money." FML
Today, my parents decided they are going to come with me on my first date. FML
Today, my iPod dropped out of my pocket while I was walking. Trying to be cool, I attempted to kick it back into the air to catch it before it hit the ground. Upon making contact with my foot, It ended up detaching from my headphones and flying 10 feet. Right into a sewer grate. FML
Today, my dad came home from Vegas. Today, my college savings account is down by $64,000. FML
Today, some girl punched me in the face and left a huge purple bruise. Apparently, her boyfriend has been cheating on her with me, because she always sees him walking me home. Her boyfriend is my older brother, who didn't bother telling her who I was, because he "wanted to see what she would do." FML
Today, I got an alarm installed in my car, and was having problems with it not going off when the car was hit. To demonstrate this to the installers, I bumped my car with my hip, which left a dent, and set the alarm off. FML
Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom, yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! That lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML
Today, I realized that when the pest control man said that we may see a few more bugs in the next few days, what he meant was "your kitchen will be covered in them." It's the day before Thanksgiving and I have several people invited over for the Holiday. FML
Today, I saw a my neighbor being mugged on the street. I wanted to help, so I tried to yank her purse from the mugger's hands. I guess my neighbor didn't see me clearly, because she thought I was another mugger and kicked my directly in the Hacky Sacks. FML
Today, my husband and I were at a wedding. When the DJ announced that the bar was open, my hubby was the only one to RUN to the bar while the other husbands stayed behind to dance with their wives, eyeing us in a weird way. FML
Today, I was riding on my usual bus, when I noticed a man staring at me. I was having a really bad day, and said "Can you please stop staring at me?" He then replied with "I'm just trying to look out the window, and your head is in the way. Don't flatter yourself." FML
Today, my parents and I went to the movies for my mom's birthday. After the movie, my mom and dad got into a fight, and left me at the movies. My cell phone was dead, and my house was about 12 miles away. They finally came and picked me up, hours later. FML
Today, I learned that as adorable as it might be to watch your cat follow your cursor around the screen, the humor ends when she dives into and breaks the monitor. FML
Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML
Today, I went to see the new Twilight movie, for the second time. The first time was at the midnight premiere. I would be "okay" with it if the person who had dragged me to see it both times hadn't been my boyfriend. FML
Today, I went on a blind double date with my friend. My date was actually blind. Not so bad, he seemed nice, until he told me I sound ugly and annoying. My friend laughed and agreed. FML
Today, I went out to lunch with a girl I like and her best friend. We had a good time, even talked for a few hours at the restaurant, but after we left, she stopped talking to me. Her friend told her that I kept staring at her chest; I was trying to see what her pendant was. FML
Today, I was walking in rain. I had my hands in my pants pockets, so that the front of the jacket was pointing down. Halfway to Taco Bell, my crotch felt exceptionally wet. I looked down to see a wet spot. The rain on my jacket was channeled to my crotch. FML
Today, I hit a deer. The worst part? Papa deer saw me hit mama deer, and proceded to ram into my car. FML
Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML
Today, I left my new iPhone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently, when I got out she looked at it, told the driver someone had left it, and gave it to him. FML
Today, I was having a playful fight with my brother. I made the point that our dog likes me better than him. To this, my dog jumped onto the sofa, turned to me and vomited on my face. FML
Today, I decided to make myself a nice meal. I bought expensive pasta and sauce etc. It looked delicious, I decided the finishing touch would be some parmesan cheese. I grabbed the bag and threw a handful of cheese on my meal. The cheese was about 98% mould. FML
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