tellyc

Today, I asked out a guy at work that I really like. He just stared at me and said, "Honestly? I'd rather smash my balls with a mallet. No offense." FML

Today, I officially became a divorced marriage counselor. FML

Fun night out

Today, I went on a first date. He left me standing at a bus stop while he took a dump in some bushes. FML

Today, my 7 year old daughter explained to a taxi driver that she was born from my "vagina that doesn't have hair". He winked creepily at me and said, "I bet it doesn't." FML

Today, my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant. I asked how it could be possible, since she's on birth control. She said she didn't know her antibiotics would interfere with it. She's a pharmacist. FML

Today, my little sister asked if she could play on my laptop, but I said no because I was writing an essay for school. She then bit herself hard and showed the mark to our parents, saying I did it. As they bitched me out, my sister got on my laptop and deleted my half-finished essay. FML

Celebrity lookalike

Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML

Expensive noodles, dude

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he thinks I'm cheating on him, with my brother. FML

Today, once again someone pointed out how much my brother and boyfriend look alike. FML