Today, a 5th grader tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, “Don’t ever watch Two Girls, One Cup. Trust me.” While I appreciate the advice, I am dreading the phone call home. FML
Today, my principal made me visit "anti-violence" classes because I had a picture of me threatening a man with a gun on my Facebook page. It was taken during the school play, where I was acting as a gangster and the gun was just a toy. The principal saw the play. FML
Today, a number of people came to visit me in the hospital, including my grandparents. They called me "weak" and "a cowardly millennial" for going to the ER instead of sucking it up, and blamed me for rising healthcare costs. I had a compound fracture. FML
Today, one of my teachers yelled at me for being two minutes late to class. He was so concerned with my punishment that he didn't notice the four other people that walked in after me. FML
Today, I screamed at the top of my lungs in the middle of a math test because I saw a spider that wound up being a hairball. My teacher was incredibly sympathetic, taking off only five points for "disrupting our working environment". FML
Today, after recently rekindling an old relationship, I discovered a whole new world when I found his secret Twitter account. Apparently he's now a cross-dressing, submissive, financially dominated "slave" for doms online. FML
Today, a cute guy who works in my building said, “Wow! You look hot.” I blushed and replied, “Oh thanks!” He then said, “Oh, no. I meant you look sweaty. Is it hot outside?” FML
Today, while doing my laundry, I found a very clean but presumably used ribbed condom in my freshly washed and dried sheets. It was not mine. FML
Today, I found out that my neighbor's son is supposed to be giving me gas money for driving him to school each morning. He's using it to buy drugs instead. FML
Today, after boarding my flight, the flight attendant looked at me and said that I had to sit elsewhere because I had to be over 14 to sit near the emergency exit. I'm 22. FML
Today, my little sister, who's still in high school, proved beyond a doubt she's better at my computer repair job than I am. She proved it in front of my customers and my manager, who brushed me aside and offered her a job as soon as she graduates. FML
Today, I was clearing out the garage when a large bouncy ball rolled into the drive. Only when I blasted it full force with my foot and collapsed did I realise it was actually a bowling ball. Two of my toes are broken. FML
Today, I was taking the SAT and feeling really confident in my answers. When we were close to finishing, some idiot pulled the fire alarm. All of us have to retake it. FML
Today, during the birth of my first child, my epidural didn't work. FML
Today, at work, someone peed in the fitting room, after I told her she could not use the employee toilet. FML
Today, I was strolling along a sidewalk when I noticed that my shoelace was untied. As I knelt down to tie it, my brand new $1,000 phone fell out of my pocket and into a storm sewer. FML
Today, while shopping, I tried on a beautiful knee-length dress. It looked amazing and I decided to buy it, until the time came to take it off. A jammed zip meant 15 minutes of tugging before the manager cut me free. FML
Today, I bought a cake. I then immediately forgot what I was carrying, opened the door to my car, and tossed the bag into the back seat. FML
Today, my faculty mentor for my senior capstone project wasn't at my presentation for the entire department faculty. I assumed his wife or kids were sick, but that piece of shit told me himself that he was at home watching the new season of Stranger Things. FML
Today, I was hit by a car while riding my bike, so I called my dad for help. He blamed me for the accident, said he wasn't sure what I wanted him to do, and suggested I call my mom instead. She isn't picking up. FML
Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML
Today, I found out that my long-distance boyfriend just got married because his "real" girlfriend is pregnant. FML
Today, I realized that I can recognize each member of my disgusting family by the sound and smell of their farts. I can’t wait to move out. FML
Today, as two of my students walked into my classroom, I said, "Hi, ladies". One of them screamed at me: "Did you just assume my gender?!" FML
Today, I posted a blurb on Twitter about why I couldn’t watch tonight’s episode of my favorite show until 3 hours after it airs. Apparently, tonight’s episode had a plot twist 7 years in the making. Everyone spoiled it for me. FML
Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML
Today, I woke up with chest pain. It hurt just to breathe, but my parents made me go to school anyway. We're now sitting in the emergency room. FML
Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock” in front of our son. FML
Today, I showed my dad photos from my first fun night out in ages. His response? "You look at least 6 months pregnant." FML
Today, after being moved to three different employer-provided apartments because they all had mold and electrical problems, I requested a bigger bed. The bed they delivered had bedbugs. FML
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