Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for a while. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to "shut up" because it sounded like "pig noises". FML
Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room, he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me, I spread my legs to help out. He then looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML
Today, I was on a date with a guy having a great time. I went up to go to the ladies' room, but as I walked back to the table, I heard some giggles. I looked and found out why. My skirt was tucked into my underwear. I was wearing my lucky Star Wars-themed panties. FML
Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML
Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams, "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants, and, while chasing after her, yells, "Baby, she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were in my backyard goofing around when he tried to pick me up. He couldn't. I jokingly tried to lift him. I did so without much effort. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said, "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML
Today, my dentist pulled a pubic hair out of my braces. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML
Today, I had to pick my grandma up because she was drunk, at church, at 9am. FML
Today, during sex, my boyfriend stopped and asked if he could eat a sandwich while we do it. FML
Today, I was using a public toilet when someone entered the stall next to mine. Instead of using the facilities, the person in there reached under the stall to steal my bag. Fortunately, I was holding the strap so they couldn't take it. Unfortunately, they decided to take my right shoe instead. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when the condom broke. He told me to go put a tampon in to "soak up the kids". How did he graduate? FML
Today, I got dumped during sex. FML
Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML
Today, I was feeling unappreciated and asked my boyfriend if he loves me. He faltered and replied, "Uh, my dick does." FML
Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when we heard a screech. My two cats were having it harder than us. FML
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