Mademoiselle Granite Falls, United States of America 33 ans
Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML
Today, I was at a bar with my friends for my 19th birthday when I saw my dad grinding some chick that was not my mom. I confronted him and told him I was telling mom. He then pointed across the bar to my mom with another man. I just found out my parents are swingers. FML
Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided it would be hot to get it on in the gym storage room at school. Apparently so did my Chemistry and Drama teachers. FML
Today, I was in my 15-year-old sister’s room when I found birth control pills. I told my parents, who responded by saying, "Sex is beautiful thing." When I was her age my parents caught me pleasuring myself, and smashed my laptop with a hammer, all while calling me "filthy" and "immoral". FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him by handing me a ring and telling me, "Okay we're engaged now." I should have seen it coming when we started dating, I went to his house one night and as I was leaving he said, "Okay you're my girlfriend now." FML
Today, I had a nervous breakdown. My life has been going down the drain and I called my boyfriend for comfort. I was crying my eyes out, finally getting everything off of my chest that has been bothering me. I thought it was quiet because he was listening closely. I was wrong. He fell asleep. FML
Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited, until I saw they were from a friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML
Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told her it was too much and we didn't really need it. Her response, "I just want my grandkids to have food that tastes good for once." I'm a chef. FML
Today, I invited over my girlfriend of two years to spend my birthday night with her. Instead of a conventional wrapped birthday present, she gave me the news that she has taken a vow of chastity. FML
Today, I went on a date with a new guy after not dating for quite some time. I'd drank a lot of water, so I wouldn't eat so much on the date and look like a pig. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten how funny this guy really was. He made me laugh so hard, I peed all over myself. FML
Today, I found my two best friends making out with each other. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. Today was my wedding day. One of the friends was my maid of honor, the other was my groom. FML
Today, was my bachelor party. The only people that showed up were my best man and my father. FML
Today, the subway was extremely crowded and I ended up with my butt in a man's crotch. I kept trying to inch away or turn a different way, but there was no room. He could have turned to face the doors, but didn't. He got an erection. I was on there with him for 20 minutes. FML
Today, I wrote to the guy whom I am in love with to tell him how I feel about him. He was very calm and told me to give him some time to think it over. Later in the day, I found out he blocked my number and rejected me on Facebook. But, the worst part is he then texted me saying, "This is my reply". FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with the cliché of the diamond ring in a champagne glass. Apparently there was an off-duty police officer across the room watching me slip the ring into the glass. He thought I was slipping in a date-rape drug and tackled me down before I could propose. FML
Today, I got an email from my university informing me that I was invited to an exclusive dinner for 25 people. As I continued to read through the email, I discovered that I wasn't lucky or special, but that the dinner was for financially unstable students. They think I'm a charity case. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, by text, while we were in the same room. FML
Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML
Today, I was talking and joking with my boyfriend. He said "Hey wanna hear a joke?" I said "Yes." He said, "Our relationship." and walked away. He seriously dumped me through a one-liner. FML
Today, I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. He and all his roommates are Chinese, and since I'm majoring in Chinese, I could understand what they were talking about. Too bad none of his friends knew that, and talked about banging me while I was sitting there. FML
Today, I was feeling really horny. I decided to send dirty texts to my girlfriend. I sent the first and she didn't reply, so I sent more and more and then I got one back saying 'Stay away from my little girl.' FML
Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML
Today, I learned that the gap between the elevator and the 6th floor landing of my apartment building is approximately one key's width wide. FML
Today, I was introduced to friends of my boyfriend as, "My other girlfriend." FML
Today, my little sister asked what masturbation was. We were having a family dinner with my grandparents. My mother then said, "Why don't you ask your brother? He is a pro." FML
Today, I was at lunch with my girlfriend. The waitress came up and asked for her number, then asked if she had a significant other. I laughed as my girlfriend gave the waitress her number. They're going on a date, tonight. FML
Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number, I wanted to mess with my girlfriend a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My best friend called me at work and offered to take me out to lunch. When he went to pay for the meal, his card was declined so I told him not to worry and that I would pay for the birthday meal. He looked at me and said, "It's your birthday?" He was serious. FML
Today, I joined a small disaster relief group. I remarked to the big, long-haired person beside me that it was surprising that I was the only female in the group. I got a cold stare. Later I asked another volunteer about that person. He answered, "Oh, her? She's my sister." FML
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