xaru

Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML

Good job

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer excused himself to use the bathroom, so I took the chance to let out a tiny fart I'd been holding in. That tiny fart filled the whole room. When he came back, the guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and recoiled at the stench. Doubt I'll get that job. FML

Today, my new girlfriend took me on a double date with her, her best friend and her best friend's new girlfriend. Which would have been fine, if her best friend's girlfriend wasn't my recent ex. The small world of a lesbian. FML

Today, I learned that lightning and flash flooding are the best motivatiors. I learned this while on a run and 2 miles away from school. FML

High emissions zone

Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML

Shady stuff

Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doctor. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML

Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a!" He hasn't talked to me since. FML

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

Giving

Today, I woke up after a long night of taking care of my drunken husband. I guess I should feel lucky I don't have a generic, "He wet the bed in his sleep" story, and instead have a unique, "He got out of bed and peed on me" story. FML

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

Today, I was acting as Prince Charming for a 5 year old's birthday party. After my scene at the ball, the narrator asked the kids, "Was the Prince handsome?" and they all replied with a chorus of "Nooooo!" FML

The eyeball zone

Today, I noticed that in my cover letter I wrote, "I also have an eye.", instead of, "I also have an eye for detail", and I have been sending it out for the past few weeks. No wonder I haven't gotten any replies. FML

Jump scare

Today, I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower. I took all of my clothes off, and stepped into the shower facing the knobs. When I turned around, I saw somebody standing in there with me. Apparently, my little brother and his friend were playing hide and seek, and I found his friend. FML

Stuck on ugly

Today, I found out that my parents took me to a specialist when I was a baby because they thought I had a facial deformity. It turns out I'm just ugly. FML

Bad boy

Today, when I went to pick my kid up from daycare, I found out that he had run away. The rest of my afternoon consisted of me screaming his name, looking for him. I then returned to the daycare center. He thought it would be funny if he hid in the trash. FML

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

Baby fever

Today, I woke up to the sound of my newborn screaming. I frantically hopped out of bed and stumbled into the nursery where I was met by the priceless sight of my five-year-old daughter attempting to breastfeed her understandably frustrated little brother. FML

Today, at the age of 23, I brought my boyfriend over to meet my parents. My father swabbed his mouth for DNA and fingerprinted him. FML

Today, I've been calling my girlfriend by her nickname for so long, I had to reactivate my Facebook account to find her real name. FML

Social media is dangerous

Today, I spent half an hour trying to convince my husband not to re-enact a video he saw online of a guy tying some rope to a running chainsaw, then swinging it around his head. He finally agreed not to do something so stupid. A few hours later, he did it anyway. FML

Today, my mom informed me she got married two weeks ago. Hard to congratulate her when this is her eighth husband. FML

Today, as a natural science teacher, I was drawing a uterus on the class chalkboard. One of my students started messing around and being noisy, so I shouted, "Be quiet and check out my uterus!" FML

Today, I almost died. My friends dragged me unconcious, hypothermic and half-drowned out of the sea. A helicopter took me to the hospital where they brought me back to life. My family's reaction? "You aren't dying so we don't have to come to the hospital." They wouldn't even bring me clothes. FML

Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML

Today, I tested out my new paintball gun by firing a few rounds into some thick bushes. Nothing could've prepared me for the angry swarm of hornets whose nest I'd apparently shot. I'm in so much pain. FML

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

Booze 'em young

Today, whilst in church, my brother's Sunday school teacher asked him what he loved to drink, to which he replied, "Beer." We have no idea why he said that, and the church is still talking to my parents. FML

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

Fighting talk

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

Today, a friend told me that when I read, I make all the expressions the characters in the book are making. Apparently, I have been doing this since I was a kid, and no one ever told me. FML