xaru

Effective

Today, I was the first guy ever to give my girlfriend an orgasm. I was also the first guy to make her poop at the same time. FML

Today, something must be wrong with me. Last night, my dick went limper than overcooked spaghetti while in my wife's mouth, yet today I popped a massive boner that you could hammer nails with, while cutting the grass. FML

Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML

Empty gesture

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

Today, I was so inexplicably horny that I had to shuffle awkwardly and use my bag to hide the wetness of my pants as I left work for the day. FML

Today, I was given the following pearls of wisdom: "My grandmother always told me, if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Anyway, she was a cunt and so are you." Thanks, dad. Thanks. FML

Today, I accidentally farted while on my flight home. It was silent but so deadly that several people were visibly distressed. The overweight guy sitting next to me got a bunch of dirty glares. I was too ashamed to own up to it. FML

Today, my husband finally revealed that he's been secretly buying a particular brand of spicy chicken, eating it on his way home from work. He does it because it makes his farts smell just the way he likes it under the duvet when we go to bed. FML

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

Creepy

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

Today, my father is really enjoying the iPhone my mother gave him for Christmas. He's enjoying it so much that he's already installed all sorts of dating apps. FML

Today, my boyfriend's dad came onto me. I was shocked and awkwardly tried to exit the situation. My boyfriend then sprang out and started shouting at me. Apparently, it was a "test" to see if I would still be attracted to him in 30 years. I failed. What. The. Fuck. FML

Hottttt

Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

Today, I installed motion sensor lights in my house to save on energy. When I laid down in bed, I saw the lights turn on from downstairs to the kitchen. I live alone. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has a Facebook account. He said he didn't have one. Apparently he's not divorced after all. FML

Don't drink and DIY

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

Today, I have a stomach bug. I went to go downstairs, and my cat decided to dart between my legs, causing me to trip and fall down the stairs in a pinwheel of vomit. FML

Today, I visited my boyfriend's uncle's house for a party. His 8 year-old cousin started asking if I like penis, so my reaction was to laugh, spitting my drink on her and her new dress. She can't pronounce peanuts, and I can't visit anymore. FML

Today, I found out that the reason my soda always tastes funny is because my fiancé likes to mix different flavors together to see if I'll notice. FML

Excavation time

Today, I sneezed hard while eating some quite spicy potato chips at my friend's house. Some of the chips passed to the nasal cavity, and I ended up having to pick my nose for some pointy, spicy chips shrapnel. FML

Today, I went to move a load of laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, but the clothes were already in the dryer. Normally, I would be happy about this. However, I am currently living alone. FML

Today, I discovered my dog humping my sister's five month old baby while babysitting. FML

Today, after waiting in front of a washroom stall for 20 minutes to take a dump, I finally realized that the "person" in the stall was just a pair of shoes. FML

Today, I was chilling in my comfy zip-up sweatshirt when I realized I was running late for an acting class. In my mad panic, I forgot I didn't have a shirt or bra underneath. Later in class, I was performing a scene and started to unzip my sweatshirt. You can figure out the rest. FML

Today, I finished reading a manga series on a website I go on all the time. As I read the last page I got a huge celebratory message from the website saying I was the first one to read every manga on their site. The website opened in 2011 and has over 30,000 manga. My God, I need a social life. FML

Today, my husband, who has been in a coma for 5 weeks, woke up. When I went to visit him, the first thing he did was try and continue the argument we had been having before he crashed the car. FML

Today, I was craving some popcorn, so I went to the supermarket and bought the microwaveable type. When I got home, I remembered I didn't have a microwave. FML

Finger on the pulse

Today, I started a new job as a receptionist at a nursing home. When two men came in saying, "We're here for Mr. Christensen," I paged him to come to the front desk. Apparently, these men had come from the funeral home to pick up Mr. Christensen's body. I was completely unaware that anyone had died. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were reminiscing and sharing funny stories of when we were little. It was then that he told me he used to be flexible enough to suck his own weiner. FML