Mademoiselle 31 ans
Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML
Today, my fiancée woke up from a nightmare where I cheated on her. She has so far successfully gotten into my personal and work e-mails, and all my social media. I'm not sure if I'm worse at picking a wife or at picking passwords. FML
Today, I learned I don't have to spend Valentine's Day alone. My parents invited me along on their date. FML
Today, I wore my boyfriend's favorite shirt to surprise him and show him how sexy I look. He made me take it off and pay the bill for dry cleaner. FML
Today, I lost 200 dollars while playing poker with my new sunglasses. Turns out you can see the cards in the reflection. FML
Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's office because my wife and I are having some fertility problems. As I removed my pants, the doctor simply looked at my penis and said, "Mhm." My wife laughed the whole way home. FML
Today, I waited in line to get into a club with my girlfriend, the bouncer only let her in, she told me to call her if I needed anything and left me. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday. FML
Today, I was sitting at my desk eating cereal with my cat sleeping on my lap. I got a really funny text and I started laughing hysterically, and spilled my cereal all over my cat. I'll let you know how my legs, arms, neck and face heal up. FML
Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML
Today, I was on the bus, when an elderly woman stepped in. She looked too weak to stand. She looked at me with sad puppy eyes, expecting me to give up my seat for her. I felt sorry and got up. As soon as she sat down, she said, "Ha! Sucker!" FML
Today, for the first time, I hugged the man I have been in love with for four years. It was a congratulatory hug at his wedding to my best friend. FML
Today, while I was at the beach I decided to go into the ocean even though the waves looked rough. While I was in the water, I got caught by the riptide and needed to be saved. The reason I was at the beach? I'm a lifeguard. Now all my co-workers won't stop laughing at me. FML
Today, I was having a nice moment with my granddaughter as she was being affectionate by stroking my face. We were both quite content, until she said, "Aw, Grandma, your skin feels just like a crocodile." FML
Today, I found out that while I was on vacation my neighbor had let my brother into my apartment. I don't have a brother. FML
Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML
Today, the kids I babysit hid from me. While I was looking for them, I stepped on multiple strategically-placed Lego bricks. When I yelped from the pain, the kids jumped out and threw soccer balls in my face. FML
Today, while at the beach, my son needed to pee. I told him to pee in the ocean. He took off his pants and peed from the beach to the water. FML
Today, my boss flipped me off in traffic on my way to work. FML
Today, I'm celebrating New Year's with my cat. I made her a cake. FML
Today, I met my Canadian friend at the airport. As we were heading into the city, I told him not to worry about all the US stereotypes and that gun crime in my city is rare. A few hours later, we witnessed a guy get shot in the street in broad daylight. Now he's too scared to leave the house. FML
Today, I dreamed a rat crawled up from the toilet and attacked me. Now I'm afraid to even enter the bathroom. FML
Today, on my college visit, I met a perfect girl for me, sweet, gorgeous, on the same career path. I remember everything we talked about, where she is from, what sport she plays, and her recent internship. But when I went to look her up online, I couldn't remember one thing, her name. FML
Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in the country I just moved to. Guess I don't speak the language as well as I thought. FML
Today, two teen girls got into a shouting match at the table next to mine at the food court. Sensing a fight brewing, I got up to leave. I stood up just in time for one of the girls to throw her tray, which missed her target and hit me in the head. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she loved me for the first time. Unfortunately, it was her way of saying that she didn't want to lose me after cheating on me yesterday. FML
Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML
Today, I told my step-mom that my medication is causing me to lose weight. She looked me up and down and suggested I triple my dosage. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he wanted to throw me a surprise birthday party. The only issue was the fact I didn't have any friends to make it happen. FML
Today, I found out that the guy I've been crushing on for months is actually 15 years old. I'm 22. Not only is it gross, but it's also illegal. FML
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