Today, I finally told my father that I was picked on at college all this year over my hearing disability. When I told him one of the jokes they made about me, he burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML
Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML
Today, my mum and I were referred to as "ladies". I'm happy for her, since she always complains about looking masculine. However, I would still like to be called a gentleman, seeing as how I am one. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a sign he made in front of my Minecraft house. FML
Today, I walked in on my daughter lighting candles around one of her friends, who'd fallen asleep while her other friends chanted something in a different language. They still won't tell me what they were doing. FML
Today, I asked my lazy daughter to go make her bed. She responded by lighting our garbage bin on fire. FML
Today, a guy punched me in the subway for staring at his girlfriend. I had dark glasses on, and was fast asleep. FML
Today, like every day since I was born, my name is Yarenis, pronounced "ja-ra-nees". For some reason, everybody pronounces it "your anus". FML
Today, I received a pair of earrings, a necklace, and some rings as a Christmas gift from my grandma. This would have been nice if I weren't a guy. This is her way of mocking me for wearing what she calls "girl colors", such as white. FML
Today, I announced my pregnancy to my husband. He responded with, "Well shit, when do these faucets turn on?" and started honking my boobs. FML
Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging to his friend about finally giving me an orgasm yesterday, but that he got scared because my orgasm face made me look like "a camel having a stroke." FML
Today, my 19-year-old brother subjected me to yet another rant about how the writers of My Little Pony aren't writing the show for people like him any more, the "true fans", otherwise known as pimply-faced adults who don't use deodorant and only shower once a week. FML
Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML
Today, my dog has found a new game he likes. It involves him rolling around on my new bed sheets to build up static electricity and run and poke me with his nose so I get shocked. FML
Today, I babysat a four year-old kid, so his parents could go out to party. Once in bed, he yelled, "I want to go party!" After three or four times, I told him to go to sleep. Two hours later, he'd wet the bed, saying, "I told you I want to go potty!" FML
Today, I downloaded the 'Dark was the Night' compilation made for charity. I have no soul. FML
Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML
Today, I went out for a smoke break. A homeless person walks up to me and asks for a cig. As I pull out my pack he says "Oh... Menthols... no I don't smoke that cheap shit". I was called cheap by a hobo. FML
Today, I started my period. I am getting married tomorrow. So, not only am I going to be on my period for my wedding night and honeymoon, my best friend has to help me change my pad because my dress is so big. FML
Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML
Today, trying to make my 6 year-old daughter to laugh, I drew a picture of a butt, a puff of air coming out and the word "Toot". My daughter thought it extremely funny. Later, when she was talking with my extremely judgmental mother-in-law, I heard her say, "Daddy taught me how to draw butts." FML
Today, I found out that the love of my life, who I've been going out with for two weeks only, asked me out because he lost a bet. Apparently I'm the punishment for not being able to eat 10 hot dogs. FML
Today, I broke my nose by sneezing too close to a table. FML
Today, I woke up after having a dream which included sex with a very hot guy. I realized it's about time I get laid, because the hot guy was Brock from Pokémon. FML
Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression, "Knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as, "Kill yourself." FML
Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML
Today, after much reluctance due to fear of causing a huge debate, I finally posted something on Facebook about the presidential debates. However, the post sparked an argument with my mom's childhood best friend, that ended with her telling me that my dad isn't actually my dad. FML
Today, my roommates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML
Today, I was talking to an attractive guy, but I was so nervous that I got tongue-tied and then blurted out, "Stupid autocorrect." FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
