Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend. Suddenly he starts speaking gibberish. I ask what's wrong? He says, "I was just talking to my unicorn. He says you're pretty," and winks at me. What have we learned today? The person I like is a freak, and apparently unicorns are real. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend scratch her crotch and then sniff her fingers. FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML
Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML
Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year-old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML
Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML
Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML
Today, I was the designated driver. It was also my birthday party. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me on my Facebook wall. 27 people liked it. FML
Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML
Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML
Today, I was stuck in the car with my grandma for an hour as she described to me how she had looked through my great grandma's poop to make sure her calcium pills were being digested. FML
Today, I returned home from a three-week vacation. None of my friends realized I'd been gone. FML
Today, after a year of suspicion, I finally found out my sister is in a cult. My family's response? "It'll be good for her." FML
Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML
Today, the police were canvassing my neighbourhood about a recent robbery. When I answered the door, my brother saw badges, panicked, and jumped out our apartment's third-storey window in an attempt to escape. He thought they were after him for using a bong two weeks ago. I'm related to this twit. FML
Today, while using the restroom at McDonald's, a hand reached under my stall and took the remaining toilet paper. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML
Today, it was my birthday, and my kids gave me my car keys I had "lost" a week ago. FML
Today, while at the grocery store an elderly woman farted very loudly next to me. Everyone in the aisle looked our way. The woman pointed at me, and left the aisle. I received many disgusted looks from children and their parents. FML
Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML
Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML
Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML
Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML
Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML
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