teaesperanza

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

Serious talk

Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML

Today, I was speaking to an old friend and I asked her how her mother was. She replied, "She passed away, you came to her funeral last month." FML

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

Owner of a lonely heart

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

Today, I had to tell my 7 year old-son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

Monday morning blues

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

Masterclass

Today, I spent my day creating a new type of laugh, and performing it in my head. FML

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML

Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML

Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML

Today, I met separately with the President and Chairman of the company regarding a product that I'm designing. Each ordered me to do the opposite of whatever the other instructed. FML

Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML

Don't let them get you down

Today, I went to McDonald's and ordered a Happy Meal with a girl's toy. The high school girls behind the counter said I was too old to be served one, and I had to go home and explain to my sick daughter why she didn't get her toy. FML

Today, I got into a huge fight with a girl at school. My mom and dad decided to punish me by letting my three older brothers pick out my wardrobe for the next week. FML

Today, I borrowed my boyfriend's laptop. Out of curiosity, I clicked through the bookmarks in his web browser. One of them took me to a site dedicated to sex stories featuring characters from My Little Pony. FML

First Dates

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML