Monsieur afar 25 ans
Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML
Today, I finally brought a girl home from college. While I was making her some coffee, my roommate came down in her underwear, pretended to be my girlfriend, and asked if we were having a threesome. My date left before I could explain, and my roommate thinks it's fucking hilarious. FML
Today, I had to awkwardly grab my pink dildo after my husband's friend asked what it was that my dog was chewing on. FML
Today, my date ditched me and showed up with another guy at the same restaurant. She even tried to take the reservation. FML
Today, I had my first job interview. The manager asks me to sell him his pen. Thinking I'm all smart, I reenact the scene from the Wolf of Wall Street and say, 'Write down your name'. He calmly reaches into his drawer, takes out another pen and writes his name down. He then looks at me and laughs. FML
Today, my 14-year-old daughter told me she's pregnant and plans on dropping out of school to live a life on the road with her boyfriend. FML
Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend, when a guy pulled a knife and told us to hand over our money. My boyfriend blurted "I don't have shit, dude! She has tons of cash!" The moment the mugger turned to me, my boyfriend ran away at top speed. FML
Today, even after explaining to my boyfriend that I was self conscious about my breasts because they're slightly misshaped, he still persisted with begging me for a tit pic, saying he would still see me as beautiful. I gave in and sent one. He responded with "LOL WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSSSEE." FML
Today, the boy that I met online six months ago and expressed my love to sent me a picture of himself and confessed how old he really was: thirteen. I'm eighteen years old and holding a steady job. FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. At the right moment, I got down on one knee. As I was reaching into my pocket to get the ring, she got so freaked out she kicked me in the face. I chipped a tooth and the ring flew off, and now I can't find it. FML
Today, I went for a soak in a mineral hot pool to relax after a stressful day teaching middle school. There were 120 middle schoolers there on a school trip. FML
Today, I had a job interview where I was asked, "Who is your best friend?" I replied truthfully, "My cat", only to then be asked what my cat would describe as my best qualities, which didn't go far beyond, "Remembering to feed him". They weren't impressed. FML
Today, I recently burned both my hands at work so I had to ask my husband for help changing my tampon, but he refused saying it would make him feel sick. This from the man who routinely sticks his tongue in my asshole when we have sex. FML
Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML
Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old sister, naked, streaming herself eating a banana. FML
Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML
Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML
Today, I was babysitting two brothers, 3 and 5. As I was getting the youngest ready to go outside, the older boy, threw open the door, shucked his clothing, and ran off into the woods. I had to carry the 3-year-old as I ran my asthmatic ass after him. FML
Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally told me that he loved me. This would've been fantastic if he didn't say it when I caught him sleeping with my best friend. FML
Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML
Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML
Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
Today, I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. FML
Today, my mom had my girlfriend and me over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmother's wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML
Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML
Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML
Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML
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