Madame Bukit Timah Estate, Singapore 50 ans
Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML
Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I watched my best friend get married to the guy I have been in love with since the eighth grade. I was the maid of honor, and had to give a toast to the couple. FML
Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML
Today, I watched a large, sweaty woman stick a hairbrush down her shirt to scratch a rash on her back, before putting it back on the shelf. FML
Today, I decided to splurge and get valet parking at a fancy restaurant. I got out of the car and gave the man my keys and watched as he slowly backed my car into another car. FML
Today, I came home to a noise complaint letter taped to my apartment door. I haven't been home in over a month. FML
Today, my 15-year-old daughter's pregnancy test came back positive. I wanted to know who the father is, so I could sit the two of them down to talk the situation through with them. She isn't sure if it's her best friend, or our neighbor's son. FML
Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML
Today, while I was in confession telling my sins to the priest, he called me a "pain in the ass." FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. His response? "Is that why you have been so clingy and annoying lately?" FML
Today, I was at work when two sheriff's deputies walked in. They asked me my name and when I told them, they asked me to turn around and they cuffed me. They told me I was under arrest for robbery. Turns out I was mistakenly IDed, but now every one at my job thinks I'm an armed robber. FML
Today, my daughter-in-law revealed to me that she caught my husband having an affair with her best friend. This was five years ago, and she is only telling me now because he stopped paying her the blackmail money to keep her mouth shut. FML
Today, I found out that when they put "Take with food" on the side of antibiotics, what they really mean is "Take with food because this stuff is gonna liquefy everything in your G.I. tract, and make you have to run out of the middle of calculus for the worst diarrhea ever." FML
Today, I went to work and said hi to my boss. He reached towards me. I thought he was trying to give me a hug, so I awkwardly hugged him back. Turned out he was just trying to fix my shirt collar. FML
Today, a mother wrote me a $130 check for babysitting her four kids for a few hours. Trying to be gracious, I said, "Wow, thank you, this is very generous!" She thought for a minute, then said, "You're right." She took the check back, ripped it up, and wrote me a new one for $55. FML
Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "Mom" while at work. FML
Today, I was in my room with the door locked and my mom knocked on the door. I said "don't come in, i'm naked!" She said "That's okay!" so she unlocked the door and walked in. I was masturbating. FML
Today, I realized why my 50 year old Dad's 30 something girlfriend looked so familiar. She is in all my parents wedding photos... as the flower girl. FML
Today, for my girlfriend's birthday, I got her an external hard drive and my grandmother's engagement ring. When she opened both boxes, I took her hand and looked deep in her eyes and told her to pick whichever she wanted. She took the external hard drive, even though she already has one. FML
Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML
Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML
Today, I tried to face my fears and take the elevator at the hotel I'm staying at. When the door opened, I was greeted with a taser pointed at me and, "Are you sure you want to get on this elevator?" Guess it's the stairs for me. FML
Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML
Today, I got a call from my cable company in regards to a bill I didn't pay. I paid the bill two weeks ago in full, but they never told me the account changed when my name was put on the account. So now I owe $170 more, and my ex-roommate is getting a $140 refund in the mail. FML
Today, my live-in girlfriend and I broke up. She told me she can't leave because she has nowhere to go. I'm stuck with her until she finds a job and an apartment. FML
Today, I looked in my voicemails on my phone. I recently got a message saying that I got the job, which was very exciting because it's my first job. Too bad it was sent 2 weeks ago and I just got it because I upgraded my phone. FML
Today, I was home alone and I started to sing Halo by Beyonce. I was starting to get into it and began singing with more passion until the phone rang. It was my neighbor begging me to please shut the hell up. FML
Today, it's either be alone and miserable, or go on shitty dates and be miserable. I have no other options. FML
Today, I approached my daughter and told her she needs to clean her room. Her response was, "Thank you Captain Obvious." She's 4. FML
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