chyos

Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. Apparently, she didn't like the taste. I however, did. FML

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

Sex Ed is broken

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

Today, I woke up to my Playstation 3 and my laptop missing and window open. My dad faked a robbery to see me freak out. FML

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

Today, I was working retail when a group of older gentlemen came in looking for a good sound system. I showed them a top-range system and gushed about it in detail, trying to close the sale. One of them snorted and said, "See Dave, girls like her are the reason ball gags were invented." FML

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the world did not used to be black and white. It was just the pictures that were. She still doesn't believe me. She's eighteen. FML