Harlow 45 ans En couple
Today, I walked into a subway car which was empty except for a sleeping hobo. Three stops later, the guy wakes up and starts peeing in the corner. I ignore it thinking he'll go back to sleep. Silly me, I didn't realize that he would start running towards me, still peeing. FML
Today, I took pills to make sure I lasted longer with my girlfriend. Good news? It worked fine and is still working now. Bad news? We've been done for a good two hours. FML
Today, I got my son's phone bill (the phone I got him to call us from college). I found out he's been calling a phone sex hotline everyday. He hasn't called us once. FML
Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asked, "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML
Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML
Today, I found out that if my son and daughter in law are mad at me, they do it on my furniture. So far, they've done it on the table, my bed, and all the living room couches. FML
Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML
Today, the girl I like sent me a Facebook message telling me how the message I left on her phone was one of the funniest drunk dials she's ever gotten. I'm debating whether or not I should tell her that I don't drink. FML
Today, I found out that the reason my best friend is not allowed over anymore is because he hits on my mom and writes her love letters. FML
Today, I was told I look like Susan Boyle. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend of six months is not actually on vacation with her cousin but is moving in with her fiancé. FML
Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML
Today, waking up I noticed that my female boss had texted me during the night, telling me she wants me bad. I'm a woman, happily married to a man, and now have to turn her down somehow and not get fired in the process. FML
Today, I signed up to a Christian website in order to try and 'find God again'. I got banned. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML
Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted get to know my mom, so they went off and had a chat. After an hour, I noticed my girlfriend was gone and my mom was waiting for me. Apparently I've been dumped through my mother. FML
Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML
Today, I figured out why my name is Ashley. In order to tell my older sister about getting a new little sister, my parents thought it would be a good idea to make her imaginary friend "Ashley" real. FML
Today, after telling my parents just exactly what I thought of them and that I was moving out, the person I was supposed to move in with called to say they'd decided they would rather live alone. FML
Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML
Today, my landlord sent tree cutters to take down a tree in our front yard. I didn't realize their job included walking around the house and gratuitously staring at me through the window as I dressed. My boyfriend won't complain because he's afraid our rent will go up in retaliation. FML
Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML
Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML
Today, my ex boyfriend apologized for being a jerk to me and threatening our relationship. When he was done, he asked if his apology earned him enough points for a blowjob. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML
Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex while his parents were out. They came home early, ran upstairs, and knocked on the door. Scrambling to find our clothes, we gave up and just hid under the blankets. They barged in, drunk and laughing, and tried ripping the covers off. FML
Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML
Today, while riding the bus to a really important job interview the child sitting next to me threw up in my lap. His mother then told him to wipe his mouth. He used my sleeve. FML
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