Today, while I was working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sold dildos. FML
Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came, "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML
Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML
Today, I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. I wore basketball shorts that day. FML
Today, my husband and I were talking about names for our expectant child. I told him since I named our daughter he could name our son. He's decided on a name from 'God of War'. My son is going to be named after a make-believe cartoon character - Kratos. FML
Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML
Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML
Today, I was having sex with a girl. She was really into it and not holding back on the noise...That is, until I received a text message from my little sister next door reading "If she is making that much noise, she is probably faking it...Trust me, I know." FML
Today, while on the crapper, I learned that morphine has a nasty side-effect. It appears that it can cause a massive rock-hard piece of dung the size of a bus to form in your intestines. I went to the doctor, he handed me a glove and some laxatives and said, "Have fun!" FML
Today, I realized that I lie to my friends online and go "offline" for hours at a time so it appears that I have a life outside of the internet. FML
Today, I was at a dinner with my dad's girlfriend's family. I met this guy who I found kind of cute and tried to talk to him a couple times. To avoid talking to me he started playing his PSP. I could see the screen perfectly and the PSP was clearly off. FML
Today, we had my school musical. The girls have to wear long skirts. I had a thong on, and while we were dancing the guy behind me stepped on my skirt. It fell to my ankles... the whole audience saw my ass. FML
Today, my fiancé and I decided to engage in some erotic food play. She covered every region of my body, including my genitals, with strawberry sauce. Today also happens to be the day that I found out I'm allergic to strawberries. FML
Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfriend of nine months. She was making a lot of noise, so I told her to keep it down, and reminded her that my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later, I got a text from my sister, saying my parents wanted to make sure I was wearing a condom. FML
Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML
Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML
Today, I was at volleyball tryouts when I accidentally spiked the ball into the fire alarm. The fire fighters did not look happy when they found out what had happened. So much for being on the team. FML
Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the very first time in three years. Apparently, all it took was anal. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML
Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML
Today, my boss sat me down to discuss the sounds my co-workers have heard coming from my cubicle. Apparently my music sounds like the background tracks from shitty soft-core porn movies. I'm getting a three day suspension while they go through all my files. FML
Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML
Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why it would be highly offensive and inappropriate for him to go as Caylee Anthony for Halloween. I think he's still planning on doing it. FML
Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in The Bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML
Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML
Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML
Today, I got a migraine. I work in an arcade with lots of bright lights, loud noises and screaming children. I was stuck in there for 7 hours. FML
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