Today, I watched as my grandma beat the shit out of my dad at the zoo. FML
Today, after sexting with my wife for the whole day, I came home to a dark house due to a blackout. Being horny, I went in and started humping her from the back. She screamed. It was my mom who came to supply candles during the blackout. FML
Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML
Today, at work, I was informed that my manager told the owner, "Everything wrong with my department" is me. FML
Today, I just got home from the police station where I had to explain that the guy I drunkenly hooked up with last night died in the middle of sex from a brain aneurysm. He had no wallet or anything, just car keys, so all I could tell the cops was his first name, that’s it. FML
Today, while I was sneaking a boy out of my room at 2am, I ran into my mom sneaking a man into her room. FML
Today, my drunk mom informed me that out of all my potential brothers and sisters she’s swallowed over the years she’s "glad" I’m the one she "accidentally drooled onto her crotch, swam up her fanny and invaded" her "virgin egg." This kind of shit is why I moved out at 16 and still have a therapist. FML
Today, I told my mom that I'd vomited blood. She simply said, “Good” and went back to watching TV. FML
Today, after getting sick of my boyfriend pestering me for a threesome, I invited a male friend over. My boyfriend strongly declined, because, "Hell no, I ain’t gay." So this man expects me to be a lesbian, but him being gay is a problem. FML
Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML
Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he started humping my leg and said, "I'm gonna hump the fatness out of you and make you beautiful." FML
Today, I helped deliver the baby belonging to the woman my husband left me for. FML
Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML
Today, I was hanging out with my friends. My friend started talking about how unfair it is that women can use their breasts to get promotions. I told him that he has no place to talk, as he used his "d*ck" a few months ago with his female boss. His girlfriend of 3 years was sitting next to me. FML
Today, I drunkenly hooked up with my friend's cousin. After trying to stick his finger up my butt, he blacked out on top of me with his penis still hard inside me. I tried yelling his name and pushing him off, with no success. I ended up having to call my friend to help me. FML
Today, my little brothers wouldn't stop teasing me over the fact that I'm a virgin and they are not. They are 13 and 16, I'm 22. What's worse? My dad quickly joined them. FML
Today, I left home to start my new life at University. Saying goodbye to my mother, the last thing she said to me was, "Don't turn gay." I'm gay. FML
Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me by saying, "It's not you, it's me. I have a terrible taste in women." FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML
Today, on my job as a police officer, I received a typical domestic disturbance call. Not so typical was the address. Guess my wife's affair went terribly wrong while I was on shift. FML
Today, it was my twenty-first birthday, and a couple of friends took me out to celebrate. After ordering us shots throughout the night, my friends took off abruptly, leaving me with my very first bar tab. FML
Today, out of spite, I wrote "Ms. Piggy" instead of my professor's actual name in the heading of my essay. Guess what I forgot to do before turning it in. FML
Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML
Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML
Today, while walking in the city with my little sister, she let go of my hand. Not wanting to lose her, I quickly tried to grab it back. That resulted in me grabbing some 50 year-old man's junk. FML
Today, I was trying to seduce a really good-looking girl, when all of a sudden she leaned in towards me and said, “Sorry, I’m not drunk enough to make out with you.“ FML
Today, I had yet another debilitating migraine that kept me awake. In the middle of the night, I heard an owl hooting. Thinking it was cool, I moved closer to the open window to hear better. After a few minutes, I realized it was actually my new neighbor having loud sex. My aunt moved in next door. FML
Today, I spent my entire paycheck on a new summer wardrobe. I then left my shopping bags on the train. FML
Today, I smelled chicken nuggets and asked my boyfriend if he was making some. He wasn't. It was my armpits. FML
Today, my boyfriend said "You're a real work of art. You know, the abstract kind that no one likes. Anyway, we need to break up." FML
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