Marcus Penjam

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a toaster and a fork as a wedding gift. FML

Today, I asked a girl I like to the movies. Wanting her to lean on me and stay in my arms during the movie, I chose a horror film. I screamed like a pussy the whole time. FML

Today, I walked in on my parents having sex. In my room. FML

Today, my mom got out a camcorder she's had a while, saying that there were tapes of me from when I was a child. The first tape I put in was a porno starring her and her ex-boyfriend. FML

Today, I saw a drunk guy hitting on a girl sitting alone at the bar. She insisted that her boyfriend was there, but he didn't relent. So I went over and put my arm around her and asked "Who's this guy?" He walked away, but then I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was her boyfriend. He broke my arm. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when we heard a screech. My two cats were having it harder than us. FML

Nooooooo!

Today, I heard my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been so bad if we weren't in the same hotel room. They thought I was asleep. FML