zobo1014

Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML

Expert level

Today, I found out my marriage counselor is currently going through her second divorce. FML

Today, I received a call from the company I applied to, only to have my father pick it up and make fun of the man's accent. They won't call me back or take any of my calls, and my dad is completely unapologetic. FML

Today, I realized my daughter has been in longer relationships than I have. FML

Today, I was waiting in line for what seemed like forever at the only open lane at the grocery store. The guy in front of me took his sweet time and had multiple cards rejected, before finally pulling out a $100 bill and demanding exact change. He was buying a carton of milk. FML

Today, it was my wedding day. With my best friend as the priest, she asked, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" After saying I do, she then turned to him and asked, "Do you want to bang my friend?" Everyone laughed, except my already disapproving father. FML

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

Lonely, so lonely

Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML

Helicopter parents

Today, instead of having my friends come pick me up, my dad drove me over to visit them. He insisted on walking me up to the door, hugging me goodbye, and making sure my friends were appropriate enough to hang out with. I'm in college. FML

Today, I learned that if you're going to use vicks vapor rub for a cold, you should remember to wash your hands before changing your tampon. FML

Today, my daughter's hamster pulled the water bottle off the glass, so I decided to super-glue the bottle back on. We came back an hour later to see if it had stuck, only to find both the bottle and rodent glued to the glass. FML

Girlbossing

Today, I started a sport journalism degree. I was the only woman out of 60 students. The lecturer started talking about how we should all aspire to become sports editors of national newspapers. Later, he said women have no chance of ever becoming sports editors. FML

Today, an old guy approached me and asked if I had ever seen an elephant with white ears. I shook my head. He then pulled the pockets out of his shorts and whipped out his sex nose. FML

Today, after my shift at the police station, I went on a date with a girl I recently met. We had a great date, that is until I opened the car door for her, and out of habit, pushed down on her head as she got in. FML

Today, I got threatened to get dragged out of the window at work because I wouldn't sell someone hot wings. I work at Taco Bell. FML

What were the chances?

Today, I had a job interview for a job I've been dying to have. As I walked into the office, the manager said, "Aren't you my son's ex, the one he cheated on?" All I could do was sit there quietly as he laughed at me. FML

Dad jokes

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

Today, my grandmother said to me, "You look just like your mother did at your age. Except you're fatter of course." FML

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

Today, I have a final for my precalculus class. After hours of studying this week, I felt pretty optimistic. Until I got to class and realized that I'd forgotten my calculator. FML

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML

Today, I came home to find a pregnancy test in my trashcan. I live alone with my boyfriend and I'm not pregnant. FML

Thanks a bunch

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

Today, I had to watch my drunk girlfriend yell at a cat for not having periods. The worst part is that she was at a pet store. The pet store at which I work. FML

Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML

Today, I took my girlfriend to go see Les Misérables. I tried to stay tough but completely lost it and started sobbing when Anne Hathaway began singing. My girlfriend called me a wimp and stayed dry-eyed throughout the whole movie. I'm dating a robot. FML

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me by writing on my bathroom mirror in Sharpie. What did he write? "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm fat, ugly, and now single." FML

Today, I went to dinner with my girlfriend of 2 months. This would have been great, had I not been nodding absentmindedly when she suggested that we start planning our wedding soon, because "she's always dreamt of being married on the same day as Brad and Angelina." FML