Malik_fml

Today, I hid my credit card from myself so I wouldn't use it. Now I can't find it. FML

Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML

The self help books are over there

Today, a guy in the library came up to me and said, "You look very unproductive. Just watching you makes me depressed." FML

Today, I hooked up with this man for the first time. He takes his shirt off and has a chestful of black hair. He had his name shaved into it. FML

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

Today, I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. I can no longer look at him in the face. FML

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

News to me

Today, my boss had to leave the house for a little while. She asked me to take any messages she got. I answered the phone and lady calling said she was returning her call about the opening for a nanny position. I'm the current nanny. I found out I'm being fired by the new nanny. FML

Picked

Today, I was excited because I was going to get my college decisions back. I put all of the letters in order of my preference. Didn't get into my first choice. Denied from my second choice. Rejected from my third choice. Wait listed on my back-up. Accepted for a job at Target. FML

This boy

Today, I was babysitting a four year-old. He was mad and began hitting me. I told him to use his words not his fists when he's mad. He then began telling me how much he hated me, and that I should go die and never come back. FML

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

Oh yeah?

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice, "Oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said, "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML

Today, my 9 year old nephew found his way onto my iTunes. I now have 401 songs titled "aidfj3P" by "ffjiel". FML

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

Today, for the first time I sat next to a hot babe. I was feeling nervous, nevertheless, I managed to shyly ask her phone number. It’s only when I arrived back home that I realized there was a digit missing. FML

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

Today, I tried demonstrate to my little brother that, unlike what he sees in cartoons, it is impossible to slip on a banana peel. I'm not too sure he's convinced. FML

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

Jesus wept

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came, "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She'll know it was me. I'm the only night guardian. FML

Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

Today, I posted on a forum asking if I could be a moderator. Instead, I got banned. FML

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. I pulled a muscle taking my sweater off in the locker room. FML

Today, I found an ad for my job at my company on an online job board. FML

Today, I received a text message from my older brother. It said, "Ah... I want you". I hope to god it was intended for someone else. FML