misledglance

Today, my girlfriend sent me a naked picture of herself and I wish she hadn't. FML

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

Hi, bye!

Today, fifteen minutes after dinner was served, my blind date said, "It's good that you're smart. Not to be rude, but most girls aren't. I mean, at some point, I'm going to pull my dick out of your mouth and then it's good if you have something interesting to say." Check please. FML

Classic

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams, "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants, and, while chasing after her, yells, "Baby, she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

Tight knit family

Today, I went to visit my parents after 4 years of not seeing them. They'd moved without telling me. FML

Ticklish

Today, I was rubbing my lips against my boyfriend's lips when I said, "Your mustache tickles" in a sexy tone. His response was, "So does yours." FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML

Praise the Lord

Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML

Today, I was talking to a friend about this stranger I kissed a few nights ago while drinking. I commented that I was ashamed of doing so, and to make matters worse, the guy was really unattractive. It turns out he was no stranger. I'd kissed my friend. FML

Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML

Today, I superglued my headphones back together. They weren't dry before I put them back in my ears. FML

Today, I saw a car on the side on the highway with a popped tire. The driver didn't have a spare, so I nicely gave them mine. One hour later my tire popped. FML

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

Today, it's my two year anniversary with my wife. She's celebrating the day with her new boyfriend. FML

All sexed up

Today, I found dried cum in my hair - after being at work for two hours. FML

No thanks

Today, I caught my dad eating the dog treats I'd bought for my dog. The only thing he could say was, "These are really good, no wonder the dog is so obedient. Wanna try one?" FML

Today, my fiancé told me it was a mistake to propose to me. FML

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

Today, at work, after a visit to the bathroom, the lock broke in my hand and the door was jammed. I called the janitor on my cellphone and told him about the situation. He told me to fill out a complaint and leave it in his post box. He then hung up. FML

Today, I ran into a police officer while on my bike. It wouldn't be so bad, had he not been riding a massive horse. FML

Today, I failed my driving test. I've been a legal driver in my home country for 8 years, but can't pass the test here. FML

Non sequitur

Today, while at dinner, I told my boyfriend that I wished he liked sushi. He replied, "I wish you liked anal." FML

What just happened?

Today, my girlfriend and I were lying in her bed. We fooled around and were about to have sex as she suddenly began to cry without any reason. She cried for 30 minutes until I finally managed to calm her down. She said there was no reason for her crying. Then she fell asleep. FML

Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She wants to try dating women. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

Today, I got an electric razor and a lesson from my dad on how to shave my mustache and chin. I also got my period. FML

Today, I took my driver's test. I was so nervous that I peed my pants halfway through the exam. FML

Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML